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Watching BBC Parliament, I had two thoughts: first, where’s my vibrator? Second, Big Dog is going to go fucking spare.

You’ve probably changed trains here once. Maybe, if there was an hour or more’s delay, you wandered out to find a street of Cash Converters and obviously violent pubs and concluded it was rough near the station. No. It’s all like that.

AS A chef, I’m frequently asked is how to poach the perfect egg. If that’s your biggest problem in life go fuck yourself with a rusty saw, because some of us dream of being that fucking lucky.

'I’m pretty sure he wet himself in terror just after the starter, when he admitted he was seeing that bitch who used to walk our dogs. To be fair I was reasonably close to murder.'

You will die this Thursday at 4.16pm. Sorry to be unusually specific on this occasion but it’s better you know.

You’ve got something on Johnson, haven’t you? You’ve quite obviously got something on him, you anus-faced, vacuous, useless little fucking prick!

I TOOK the call. ‘RAF Barnham here, we’ve a blonde woman says she’s foreign secretary? And she’s looking to check an AK-47 out of stores for a photoshoot?’

FOR some, this war is an abstract thing, happening far from us. They add flags to social media, share crushes on President Zelensky, and go about their day.

ONE of the maids brought me the questionnaire, crumpled and stained with Merlot. She had this face on her like she was trying to hide her disgust. So she’s fired.

Like a fatberg-clogged sewer at the bottom of the Valleys, Newport is easily Wales’s most dismally shit-flecked city and was voted ‘most likely to be built on top of an open Hellmouth’.