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If you’re from Cornwall, take your pick from the properties which are all out of your price range thanks to Londoners buying second homes and fucking up the housing market.

WILL family-oriented Tom hit it off with homebody Joanna, who he has so much in common with that they even share grandparents?

A horse walks into a nightclub. A hot sexy filly with false eyelashes in revealing clothing, otherwise the bouncers wouldn’t have let it in.

I tell you, Rebekah, keep this up! String it out, for weeks, months, and years until your scraggy twat of a husband is playing f**king non-league football till he’s 57 to pay the fucking bills!

THEY love him in Ukraine. They say ‘thank you Boris’ and ‘God save the Queen’ when they blow up tanks. But can they vote for him? Can they fuck.

ONCE in a generation comes a hero. Someone prepared to stand up and say, no matter what the personal consequences, ‘no more.’

Not many cities can rival Oxford’s stunning architecture and fascinating history, not to mention parking prices hitting a world-beating £6 an hour.

STRAIGHT woman Lottie has two gay friends, who by virtue of sharing a sexuality and her friendship are obviously destined to be a couple. Aren’t they?

Remember Paul the psychic octopus? He was executed after predicting the time of Terry Wogan’s death to the minute.

WAKING fully robed in my bathtub, my cassock covered in faeces, urine and blood, I realise that yesterday’s sherry reception for the Little Sisters of the Poor got a little out of hand.