What’s it about?
Lucky enough to be blessed not only with one of the oldest and best universities in the world but also a brand new John Lewis, Oxford really is a cut above.
Packed with stunning architecture and students unimpressed with it because they grew up in 15th century manor houses and have no doubt they’re better than you. Also has one of the worst homelessness problems in the UK, so step over sleeping bags and pretend not to have change as you stare up at those dreaming spires feeling guilty.
Any good points?
Not many cities can rival Oxford’s stunning architecture and fascinating history, not to mention parking prices hitting a world-beating £6 an hour. But that at least means the city’s awash with empty spaces: gone are the days of looping up and down St Giles for an afternoon looking for somewhere to f**king park.
Driving in Oxford also gives you the opportunity to battle gridlock on Botley Road and to experience its unfathomable one-way system; every visitor to the city drives down a restricted road, or a tiny stretch of restricted road in the middle of an otherwise unrestricted road, and receives a fine in the post as a lovely souvenir.
Sidestep this with the Park & Ride, which charges you both to park and to ride. Or join the students risking their lives on bikes or electric scooters. As a bonus, these also make it terrifying to be a pedestrian.
Wonderful landscape?
Between the university parks, Christ Church Meadow and the Botanic Gardens, Oxford has a wealth of stunning places to consult the Park & Ride return schedule.
Forget the Radcliffe Camera and the Bridge of Sighs; for real sightseeing, go to Headington to marvel at the lifesize shark embedded headfirst in the roof of a house.
Fans of fighting swans and falling into rivers should go to the Cherwell and have a punt at punting. Though it’s less relaxing than you’d imagine to have a boozy picnic on the back of a wobbly boat armed with nothing but a surprisingly unmanageable pole.
There’s also the Martyrs Memorial, and just around the corner in Broad Street the actual spot where bishops were burned alive: very Instagrammable. Time it right and see throngs of students dressed like penguins pouring out of the Sheldonian Theatre after some weirdly-named ceremony. Just think, you’re glimpsing the future of privileged, incompetent English politics.
Hang out at…
Enjoy Latin hymns and early mornings? Who doesn’t? Fight through the crowds for a place at the foot of Magdalen Tower at 6am on May 1st to be serenaded by young choirboys and grown men singing falsetto.
Make it past the police and join the other May Day tradition of flinging yourself off the bridge and into the river, hoping to miss a shopping trolley
Otherwise renowned for having the worst nightlife in the country, the club scene is overrun with students but the kebab vans are excellent: stay away from Parkend and head straight out to Ahmed’s on the High Street for award-winning cheese and chips.
Where to buy?
Central Oxford is blessed not only with listed buildings and chain cafes but house prices to rival London. Though it’s also teeming with unaffordable suburbs: whether Summertown to the north or Headington to the east, they’re each full of M&S Foodhalls and private schools.
From the streets:
Helen Archer, aged 19: “Personally, I don’t see why people call Oxford University elitist. It’s full of grounded, normal former public school pupils who struggle to pay their battels because they’ve blown their trust fund on coke. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to call into the Bod before my tute and then get into my subfusc for Formal.”
