What’s it about?
The hometown of the man who discovered nitrous oxide is also home to locals who want you slaughtered if you were born north of the river Tamar.
Boasting the poorest neighbourhood in Cornwall, Penzance is known for the pirate-themed Gilbert and Sullivan musical which treats stealing as a viable professional career path. A lesson many residents appear to have taken to heart.
Any good points?
It’s by the sea. Apart from that, there’s the Wharfside Shopping Centre is the closest thing you’ll find to modern civilisation in Penzance. Once home to cutting edge attractions like MVC and Electronics Boutique, these days it’s fallen into disrepair and only boasts those cultural staples Costa and Iceland.
If you want a heart attack in your late 30s then you’re never more than two metres away from a Warrens bakery, or if you’re feeling upmarket you can always swing by Rowes for a fancy hand-crimped pastie.
Penzance also boasts an Egyptian house, the Penlee Gallery and the tropical Morrab Gardens, which all pale in comparison to Jim’s Cash and Carry on Causewayhead. Here you can pick up a Harris tile scraper for £1.35, which is even cheaper than Trago.
Wonderful landscape?
From Penzance you can see the still, glistening waters of Mounts Bay, which provide a stunning natural backdrop to the town. That’s unless you’re visiting during the winter, in which case the bay’s trying to move inland and smash up homes and businesses in the process. Kind of like a Londoner.
Thanks Penzance’s uniquely warm climate, caused by warm air and the Gulf Stream, there’s stunning foliage to be seen at the Tremenheere Sculpture Gardens. But, like everything in Cornwall except the wages of the locals, it’s not cheap. If you’re strapped for cash like everyone who’s not a celebrity f**king chef, save money by visiting it on Google Images.
Hang out at…
Are you a Northerner who believes Southerners to be soft, or an Essex lad who thinks himself harder than any piskie-fancying twat? Then challenge your prejudices by strolling into the Star Inn and making unreasonable demands such as a pint or the whereabouts of the toilets.
Once you’ve retrieved your teeth from the floor, head on down to Battery Rocks. Here, the ice-cold sea water will numb you to the agony of climbing over jagged rocks as you go for a relaxing swim. Sure, there might be a stylish Art Deco lido literally right next to you, but why pay for the Jubilee Pool when there’s sub-zero misery for free?
Where to buy?
If you’re from Cornwall, take your pick from the properties which are all out of your price range thanks to Londoners buying second homes and fucking up the housing market.
Look out for a family friend’s beloved home being punted as an ideal holiday rental. Feel your soul die a little. So what if you grew up here? Wave goodbye to your friends and family just so you can get on the property ladder by moving to Pendle.
From the northern hinterlands beyond the Tamar? In that case you might be able to afford one of the town’s shittier gentrified fisherman’s cottages, from which you will be hounded out by locals. They filmed Straw Dogs here, you know.
From the streets:
Wayne Hayes, aged 86, former lobster trap weaver: [indecipherable grunts with a Cornish twang]
Mary Fisher, 32, moved down from London: “I was inspired to move here after watching Bait and it’s just like the film. They really are hostile to your very existence! Everything’s not in 16mm monochrome though, which is a bit of a disappointment.”
