IF you’re not panicking about arbitrary sexual milestones, then you really should be. To contribute to your insomnia tonight, here are five you may not have considered:

Fantasy chat

Opening up about your sexual fantasy – your real one, not the one you chickened out and pretended it was – is a milestone any shame-abiding citizen would rather avoid. If only your partner could somehow divine that you want her to feed you Mini Babybels while dressed as a National Trust volunteer without you having to spell it out. 

Playlist reveal 

The moment when you first open up your Spotify in the bedroom (not a euphemism) is enough to send a chill through even the most committed music aficionado. You might love music, but that doesn’t mean you know the right tunes to pork to. Do you play it safe with some sultry Brazilian bossa nova or throw caution to the wind and just whack on some Wham!? And is Rammstein definitely off the table?

Underwear judgement 

A big milestone for all couples is when your other half gets that first glimpse of the underwear you really like to wear. Those old M&S pants you carry from flatshare to flatshare like a favourite teddy, which used to be white but are now on the turn, full of holes but not in any useful places… If they can’t accept them, it’s game over.

Caught wanking red-handed 

That first time your partner catches you masturbating, and not in a ‘fun, sexy’ kind of way. More in a way you’re so into it it’s basically cheating. If you haven’t already had that ‘fantasy chat’ – or if you lied during it – this will most probably require some truth-telling. If you want your relationship to survive then lie. As a rough rule of thumb, keep your turn-ons to yourself if they involve dogs, pissing or Ed Miliband.

Bedtime routine

Sooner or later, you’re going to have to reveal to your partner what you really get up to before lights out. He will be unnerved by the 16-step embalming process you commit to with the fervour of an Egyptian pharaoh’s send-off team. She will be disgusted you didn’t even bother to give your dick a proper rinse. Talk about an unhealthy hygiene obsession – you were planning to squirt your knob with Lynx tomorrow.

Sex toy unveiling

So, you’ve bought your partner a couple of buzzy little gadgets to spice things up, but at what point do you reveal the enormous collection you already own? You don’t want him to be left feeling inadequate, but it would be a shame if you doubled up on buying them. Although you could always make him get into pegging just to get some use out of them.