The Archbishop of Canterbury on... expecting more of Snoop

24th January 2025

WAKING up with a hangover that according to my Geiger counter readings is technically a nuclear incident, I reflect on the week’s events, not least the new presidency.

I had informed the press that I intended to deliver a series of sermons relating to the newly-inaugurated president which I felt were of national interest. At the first of these, I congratulated Donald Trump on his election victory, then shot out my arm diagonally.

The next day, my gesture was reported by the mainstream media as ‘possibly a Roman salute’ and a ‘curiously spasmodic hand action’.

And so I delivered a second sermon. This time, I shot my arm out, put a comb underneath my nose and shouted ‘Sieg Heil!’ The media reported that as well as the Roman salute, I had sniffed my comb and called out to a Mr Seagull.

On the third day, I donned a black uniform and jackboots, gave a Nazi salute and goosestepped down the aisle of the abbey with my comb to my nose screaming ‘Heil Hitler!’ fanatically as the press looked on nervously.

‘D’YOU GET IT? WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE BEING A NAZI, FUCKING WELL REPORT THEY WERE BEING NAZIS, YOU NORMALISING CUNTS!’ I yelled at the journalists.

The next day, the press reported as follows: ‘Kate radiant as she opens new Doncaster swimming baths.’

With a deep sigh, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Trump has pardoned 1,500 convicted rioters, stating that they were merely involved in ‘very minor incidents’.

Suck my grandfather’s rotting fucking cock on a stick, ‘very minor incidents’? And I suppose the October 1917 revolution was just ‘high spirits’. The Storming of The Bastille was a bit of pushing and shoving over a fucking baguette! You and your MAGA nutjobs have turned America into a joke, you treasonous, weirdly camp old fucker! I’d say to everyone with half a brain in the USA to get the fuck out of there and leave the fat-arsed, the racist, the thick as pigshit, the rednecks and the the cowfuckers to fend for themselves. The dumb fucks will reduce the place to a Walking Dead wasteland, but hey, cheap fucking eggs! Or not!

The artist Snoop Dogg was among the musicians at Trump’s inauguration, along with country stars such as Carrie Underwood and Billy Ray Cyrus, despite having previously said he would ‘roast’ any artist who performed for Trump.

I mean, you expect the fucking country cunts to come out and play, but fucking Snoop? It’s not often you can say ‘We expected more of you’ of mumbling dopehead former-Crip Snoop, but how low will you go for a dollar, man? I’m not exactly gonna have to hire a huge skip to throw out all my fucking Snoop records but you are fucking finished for me! Deleted! Cancelled! You don’t come back from Uncle Tomming for a fucking fascist, Mr Dogg!

Chancellor Rachel Reeves has said she will amend the finance bill to soften planned changes to the non-dom tax regime after intense lobbying from wealthy UK residents. She has also spoken of how ‘relaxed’ she is about wealth creation.

Wealth creation, my blotchy, mottled yellow arse! It’s not wealth creation, it’s wealth fucking acquisition, acquired from the rest of us because you’re too shit scared to tax the rich because that’d be fucking socialist and therefore antisemitic or whatever! This was the one economic policy that distinguished you from the fucking Tories and surprise, fucking surprise, you’ve caved like the shit souffle you are! All these fuckers do with their millions is throw them in a giant, useless fucking pile on a remote island! What’s a ghastly, hooting, sucker-up like you doing in the Labour Party? Fucking fitting right in, sadly.

Finally, it seems Manchester City are on the brink of elimination from the Champions League, having been beaten 4-2 by Paris Saint-Germain.

Hahahahahahaha, I’m glad there are shitloads of fucking aisles in my line of work because I was rolling in them like a bastard when I heard this result! 25th in the fucking table! Below Stuttgart, Club Brugge and even fucking Celtic, for fuck’s sake! They’re gonna have to bankrupt the fucking United Arab Emirates to bail you out of this one, you useless, prancing, superannuated bunch of over-ripe fucking cockcheeses!

A white home counties roadman gets bare dumped at da cinema

23rd January 2025

FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, learns to live without his gyal due to his cinema antics.

ACTIVE J ‘as da January blues. Coz man ‘as been bare dumped. Lady G is no longer peng gyaldem. Her went off da scale at Active J in da cinema, for no reason at all, innit.

Mandem crew woz watchin’ a film habout a old-school vampire, which woz rank an’ not for Active J, fam. So man put him’s hairpods in an’ watched youtoob videos, innit.

Drilla sed Active J woz scared so man pounded on Drilla an’ Lady G went mental, fam. I mean her woz da most ultra-vexed hever, an’ had a bare deep turbo-rant at Active J, sayin’ man halways ruins tings an’ man is selfish, an’ sum other stuff.

Den Drilla sed Lady G ‘ad left da cinema sayin’ man woz a 24/7 knobhead an’ she ‘ad finished with Active J. But man did not know coz man woz watchin’ da videos again, innit.

Drilla sed man woz a dickhead for upsettin’ Lady G coz it woz a film her wanted to see, innit. So, man texted Lady G to wait coz her ‘ad man’s vape. An’ her texted man sayin’ Active J needs to take a look at manself in da mirror, not just to peng-check man’s hoptics, but to see who da real Active J is, or should her say ‘Joshua Hudson’. Wot? Callin’ a bruv by him’s brand muggle name; dat hurt, fam.

Den in school on Monday Lady G ‘ad moved seats in class away from Active J. Hafter class Miss Jackson hasked wot woz wrong wiv Joshua, coz her ‘ad noticed man woz hactually concentratin’ on him’s work.

Her sed to send Lady G a card wiv a nice message, so man sent a Pigmoon card ting of boss photos of Active J in peng drip, sayin’ ‘look wot u is missin’, innit’. Her posted it back through man’s door all ripped up. Dat woz low! Active J woz low, fam.

Mandem crew didn’t want to hang on da hastroturf, so man ‘ad to hang at him’s detached crib an’ practise Active J gangsta raps habout street issues in da entertainment room on da karaoke machine. Parentdem sed Joshua should get back wiv Lady G an’ mandem crew himmediately, an’ thought them’s cud make man ‘appy hagain by buyin’ man new Jordan’s. It did not work, fam, but man sed a new iPhone might, an’ it did, a little bit.

Dem’s sed to hapologise to Lady G an’ give her a nice present, so her will know man is not a 24/7 knobhead. So Active J Ubered a can of Monster in a gift bag, sayin’ ’Sorry an’ dat, innit’, to her’s house. Gyal guzzled da lot an’ put a lipstick kiss on da top an’ Ubered it back. Man is back, fam!

Man hadmitted Active J woz freaked out by da vampires an’ ting, but not as much as dickhead Drilla sed. Lady G hasked wud man be safe wiv witches? Man is solid wiv witches, so we busted Wicked together. It was peng nang, fam! Man finks Active J loves da cinema.