LIKE the high notes in the Wicked soundtrack, some feats are best left to professionals. But if you’re chasing a blast of bedroom self-loathing to kick off the year, try these:
The Reflector
Banging in front of a full-length mirror is enough to break even the most empowered and body-shame-free f**ker on the planet, especially post-Christmas. You won’t take in your girlfriend’s body from bold new angles; you’ll be staring in horror as your own tummy does that folding thing that looks like a pack of raw sausages.
Wall Sex Challenge
Like the pilates one on Instagram, except you’re starkers with your tits flopping down and your husband there witnessing your humiliation. There can be no room for romance or allure as you attempt to support your entire body weight in an upside-down plank. He must be forgiven for losing his boner as you cry ‘Just wedge it in!’ through tears.
The Post-Takeaway Minefield
Understandably, six days in, the 2025 healthy eating regime has given way to a Nando’s Jumbo Platter. And you’re both too high on bowel gas and PERi-PERi to realise that sex will be catastrophic. Even manoeuvring your ballooning gut into missionary is a challenge and all you’ll be swallowing are burps.
Shower Standing Split
As if standing legs spread in a shower isn’t enough of a challenge, try shagging with visions of having to present at A&E explaining a difficult penile injury racing through the head. If by some new year miracle you do manage to get her leg up past hip-height, the only revelation is that she’s not shaved since Christmas Eve.
The Tantric Hold
Marketed as a spiritual experience by Sting, you don’t have his surgeon. So cramp kicks in after 45 seconds of your knee making that clicking sound you’ve been ignoring for a decade. It’s no wonder the Buddha left the wheel of karma if this is how he had to f**k.
The Great Chair Massacre
Really got you both going when you saw it pictured, but having to refer to a phone to get it right is, oddly, a passion-killer. ‘Your leg goes here… No, under not over… Twist to the left.’ While wondering if your home insurance covers sex-related furniture damage, you will fake a desultory orgasm which ends the pain for everyone.
