WILL family-oriented Tom hit it off with homebody Joanna, who he has so much in common with that they even share grandparents?
Tom on Joanna
First impression?
From a distance, I thought, ‘Blimey, she looks like my cousin Jo. That might be weird.’ Until I reached our table and realised it was definitely my cousin Jo.
How was the conversation?
After the initial awkwardness of us being related, we had a little catch-up. How my mum is, how her mum is, whether Uncle Graham had enjoyed himself on holiday in Sardinia. Normal cousin stuff. Also she did one of those DNA tests and found she has a genetic predisposition to gout, so I should watch out for that.
Memorable moments?
After a few glasses of Cab Sav, when we Googled whether all this was illegal. It’s not. What the fuck?
Favourite thing about Joanna?
I didn’t feel nervous, because we’ve both seen each other naked when we used to play in the garden as children. That being said, I was definitely more weirded out than she was. She wasn’t weirded out enough about the whole thing, and that weirded me out even more.
A capsule description?
She’s quite tall, like most of the women on that side of the family. I’d say she was objectively pretty. Like, if she wasn’t my cousin, obviously, I’d say she was gorgeous.
Was there a spark?
We certainly have a lot in common. We always got on as kids so I wasn’t surprised, but she’s a really great woman, you know? And I mean, the first cousin thing is only really a problem if we have children, isn’t it?
What happened afterwards?
I walked her to the bus stop. Nothing happened.
What would you change about the evening?
If you’d have asked me at the beginning of the night I’d have definitely said ‘her not be my cousin’, but the only thing I think I’d change now is not ordering the garlic prawns. No particular reason.
Will you see each other again?
Cousin Deborah, Jo’s sister, is getting married in August so I imagine she’ll be there. We’ll probably have a real laugh about this, and a few drinks, and stay up late into the night until everyone else is asleep, lying out on the lawn, under the stars.
Joanna on Tom
First impression?
I thought Granny had had a fall or something. Why else would my cousin have turned up to the restaurant where I’d gone for a blind date?
How was the conversation?
Dull. I’d forgotten how boring that side of the family is. My other cousins are all much more fun. One of them was even on The Voice a few years ago. Tom’s worked at his dad’s printing company for over ten years and, believe me, you can tell.
Memorable moments?
After the starters came, Tom started Googling the laws on cousins marrying. It was funny for the first few minutes, but when he got into county bylaws I went to the toilet for 20 minutes. When I came back he’d eaten all my arancini. He gets that from my Grandad’s side of the family. No table manners and tight.
Favourite thing about Tom?
I didn’t feel like I had to impress him, or watch what I was eating. I could order the heaviest, most expensive stuff on the menu, knowing he was footing the bill. I was so bloated by the end. The flatulence lasted 48 hours straight.
A capsule description?
Normal height, normal build, slightly ginger hair from my Grandma’s side. He has big ears like my Uncle Graham.
Was there a spark?
No. Not with him. But I started scrolling Tinder at the table and matched with a nice guy who said he was at a bar just down the road. I tried to say I was going on there but he seemed so deflated I just lied and said I was going home.
What happened afterwards?
He insisted on walking me to the bus stop to ‘protect me’, even though he’s three months younger than me. When we got there, he said ‘Goodnight kiss?’ and tried to give me a peck. He texted after and said it was a joke.
What would you change about the evening?
Nothing. I got to catch up with my cousin and then got in a solid few drinks and a snog with someone who wasn’t my cousin.
Will you see each other again?
My sister is getting married in August, so yeah. But I’ll make sure we’re not on the same table.
