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Star Wars: why it's time to let it die

IN 1977 a really good space action film came out. In 1980 it had a great sequel. 42 years later, it’s time to put the franchise out of its misery: 

It’s been bollocks since 1983

George Lucas was on course to make the perfect trilogy, but nobody makes the perfect trilogy. And, true to that rule, he threw it all away in one Ewok-powered swoop, Leia’s gold bikini and C3-PO being mistaken for a god. AT-STs getting crushed by a couple of logs? Fuck off.

The prequels and sequels add nothing

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the universe was really very small. The whole saga revolves around some loser farmer, a couple of his mates and his dad. You meet more people at university. A small circle of friends and relatives doesn’t warrant a swathe of spin-off media that takes days to sit through.

Even the good stuff has been retroactively fucked

Remember how terrifying Darth Vader seemed when you first saw A New Hope? Or how the Force felt like some mesmerising, other-worldly superpower? Yeah, well, it turns out the Emperor’s right-hand man built a fussy robot and the Force is genetically inherited and measured by testing your blood for midi-chlorians. So that’s shit.

There’s a real lack of imagination

Imagine a planet that’s all desert. Or one that’s all ice. Or one that’s all lava. Or one that’s all city. Now imagine a planet combining all these environments and more. You’re on it. George Lucas did not stretch himself when coming up with locations, even before we went back to Tatooine again and again and again.

It will never, ever end

With each passing year the ratio of good to bad Star Wars becomes smaller and smaller, like an accelerated Simpsons. But Disney paid $4.05 billion for it – for context, the .05 there is £40 million – so they’re never going to stop churning out films, TV shows, and themed self-help tapes for adults who should have left Star Wars behind decades ago.

Have you seen The Rise of Skywalker? Fucking hell

The Force Awakens was Queen playing the hits at Live Aid. The Last Jedi at least tried to push the saga in a new direction. The Rise of Skywalker is indefensible horseshit. Palpatine’s alive? Rey’s his granddaughter? He has a secret, massive fleet of Star Destroyers? In a just universe this film would have sent Star Wars to the trash compactor for good, yet here we are. Compelled to endure this diminishing-returns franchise forever.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

There’s a stage at Glastonbury that never closes, a pocket dimension where nobody ages and the partying never stops, only accessible from our world when the festival’s on. You intend to go but end up watching Josh Ludlow in the Funkingham Palace tent instead.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

If we really want children to learn about responsibility we shouldn’t let them win a goldfish at the fair. They should win an Alsatian.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Is there any evidence that men get better at sex the more they do it?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You’re one of the few conspiracy theorists who believe that the moon landing happened, but that the second astronaut wasn’t called Buzz Aldrin. His real name? Burt Alderman.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You explain to your 14-year-old that being taught As You Like It for GCSE is essentially a vaccine against Shakespeare, ensuring he will never suffer from the Bard’s work in life.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Done is better than perfect, particularly when it comes to cooking pork.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If they could see how Glastonbury ended up, those druids would probably have fucked the whole thing off.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Shame they couldn’t get the rights for any of Elvis’s music for this new movie, and instead he’s performing the back catalogue of Avril Lavigne.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

‘I’ll have what she’s having!’ you say, pointing at the woman in the restaurant who’s suffering a severe allergic reaction to whatever she’s just been served.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

On your first day in jail go up to the biggest guy in the yard and ask him to lift you up like in Dirty Dancing.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Are you actually sad to see me go, automated email unsubscribe message?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

If only the Queen had started doing videos with British icons like Bond and Paddington earlier. We could have had her on Morecambe & Wise, on Only Fools and Horses, getting spiked with acid on The Word. Fuck it, we’ve got CGI, let’s do this.

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