By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who stands ready to shag Harry back to his senses
REBOOT? Jackboot, more like. Another stamp of Starmer’s Stalinist boot on the heart of this once-great nation.
Collapsed and clutching at its chest, arteries blocked by years of working from home and Deliveroo, it needs resuscitation. What does it get instead? A working-over. A progressive pummelling. ‘And there’s more to come,’ snarls our prime minister.
Reboot? Who needs a reboot after five months except chronic failures and any PC running Windows Vista?
Like a restauranteur who realises his Columbian jazz fusion cafe is about to be exposed as a money-laundering front, like a golliwog-fronted British brand the woke have decided offends, like a Cotswolds-set BBC soap whose cast is inexplicably replaced by Samoans, this will fail.
Reboot? Refute, more like: every ideological belief Labour clung to refuted by luscious logic. Their bludgeoning budget, their legalisation of medical murder, all proven wrong.
Expect to see more of these reboots, resets and refreshes. Soon they’ll be flashing by faster than revisions to Rachel Reeves’s LinkedIn as Starmer, drowning in a reality he never encountered in a lifetime nursing on the public tit, flails to reconnect.
Let’s tell the truth: Labour didn’t win the election. Like a trans volleyball team playing in a girls’ school league, they triumphed by default. The Tories stood aside for Reform while Reform stood aside for the Tories and in their after-you politeness Labour squeaked home.
They didn’t win that one and they’ve already lost the next. Elon Musk personally gave Farage $100 million in used notes this week, quipping ‘Call it a down payment.’ Kemi’s already proposed marriage to Nigel to cement their union. It’s over.
When the reboots hit six a day, when every cabinet member has resigned for shamefully petty corruption – at least Tories know how to feed at a trough – a general election will be called. It doesn’t have to be by Labour.
And on that great day, the endless reboots will be given the boot in favour of honest, Trumpian government. Civil servants will be jailed and the weak deported. And on that day, finally, we can kick off our boots and run barefoot and free.