FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has brought festive cheer to local residents with his mandem crew bustin’ Christmas tunes.
WAGWAN? It is Christmas, fam, an’ school woz makin’ us pupildem take da wasteman mock hexams, innit. But Active J turned dat into a positive by rappin’ for da commoonity as a performance piece for him’s moosic hexam. Da moosic teacher said man could submit it on video. Gassed! Gassed! Gassed!
Cuz Active J an’ mandem crew is righteous for da commoonity, man decided we should do roadman Christmas carols, an’ raise money for charity an’ ting. But, fam, to rap on da street, a crew needs a PA system, innit. So man ‘ad to use him’s nang Christmas present from parentdem to perform da carols.
Parentdem woz turbo-vexed wiv Active J for hunwrappin’ da PA system, but man told dem it woz for him’s mock hexam. Da crew woz raisin’ money for kids dat would get nuffink for Christmas! Dem’s should stop bein’ selfish an’ get Active J sumfink helse. Chill out, fam! Get real.
A bruv of da mandem crew woz doin’ da filmin’, so we went bustin’ gangsta rap carols big time for da local brand muggles round man’s endz. We did ‘Haway in a Manger, No Bed for a Crib’, ‘Swaggin’ in a North Face Wonderland’ an’ ‘Bring bong! Merrily Man’s High’. We woz on peng fire, fam!
Den we got to a old lady house an’ her gave mandem crew a spicy Christmas drink called Heggnob. It looked like custard soup, fam, an’ tasted da bare rankest ting hever! Drilla ‘ad four cups, wot a dickhead!
Hafter a little while man’s head woz all fuzzy. Active J could not rap da lyrics to ‘Silent Night, Vape Alight’, man forgot all da worddem. Lady G an’ Drilla woz laughin’ like hidiots, bruv. Not safe!
Den as a finale, mandem crew woz doin’ da ‘12 Roadman Days Of Christmas, Innit’. We busted da ‘12 gangstas drum an’ bassin’ lyrics, but den at da ‘nine gyaldem twerkin’ bit Drilla started bein’ bare rank sick all over Active J’s Cole Buxton puffer an’ Lady G’s Air Force. It woz da worst ting hever.
Man ‘ad to give da dickhead a slap, which him’s did not want, so Active J an’ Drilla started throwin’ hands. Lady G woz at ‘5 sovereign rings’ an’ got bare deep beef. Her started poundin’ on man an’ da dickhead, but bruv from mandem crew woz still filmin’ tho, an’ huploaded it to da school moosic site, innit.
Man failed da hexam, cuz da lyrics woz a bit raw an’ we woz a bit pissed. An’ da fightin’ too. But Miss Jackson said her woz himpressed Active J raised £31.70 for da commoonity kids, an’ would ‘ave given man an A for heffort. Dat will be da title of Active J’s first halbum, innit.
A bare merry Christmas to youdem, fam. An’ stay off da rank Heggnob.
