WAKING up with a hangover whose reverberations were a contributory factor in the earthquakes that afflicted the Greek island of Santorini, I reflect on the past week.
I had been invited to address a group of sixth-formers at a private school in Cheltenham, to speak on an elevating topic of my choosing. My address to them was titled ‘Twat Or Cunt?’ and would spark in their young minds intellectual curiosity about the nuanced but important distinctions between the two.
Donald Trump, I explained to the pupils, was a cunt. Our own Keir Starmer, however, was merely a twat – a cowardly, pathetic, piggy-eyed political invertebrate incapable of standing up to the powers of evil, yes, but not in himself an instigator of evil.
Michael Fabricant, the Tory MP, was a twat, a mop-haired, attention-seeking parody of a rejected Harry Enfield character, but merely a twat. Jacob Rees-Mogg, meanwhile, was a cunt. And then there was Boris Johnson – a more complex case inasmuch as he was both a twat and a cunt.
The talk, I like to feel, was a great success and I joined some of the pupils in the public house for several edifying hours. I now believe that children are the future. Some of them handled 14 pints with great promise.
Duly consoled, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Peter Mandelson, ambassador to the US, has said that he will be ‘respectful’ to Donald Trump in his new capacity. He also told a reporter to ‘fuck off’ when questioned about his relationship with the late Jeffrey Epstein.
Roast a goat and suck its fucking cock, how low have we sunk when this twice-disgraced, sleazy creep gets on by whispering in the disgusting, hairy ear of the world’s worst person, Donald Trump? Surely we’ve realised Mandelson should be nowhere near fucking power, ‘cos last time he was I seem to remember he spent his time not declaring loans, among other dodgy fucking bollocks! Do we just appoint the worst people we can fucking find as ambassador now? ‘Mr President, meet the new ambassador, Sir Jimmy Savile.’ Pass the Ferrero fucking Rocher!
The Labour Party has launched a series of Reform-style advertisements boasting of its ‘positive’ record on deportations, in an attempt to counter Nigel Farage’s party.
Jesus fucking cuntflakes, you seriously think this is the way to fight Reform? Basically concede that they were right all along but you’ll do what they’re proposing slightly more effectively? Have you fucking seen how well that’s worked across Europe? The abject, opportunistic stupidity of the people in charge of the Labour Party beggars fucking belief! You believe in fucking nothing and will do anything to preserve your own shitty, country-ruining careers! I’m talking to you, Morgan McSweeney, and all the dead-eyed ‘genius’ strategists. And are you sure this is a fucking vote winner? ‘Vote Labour, we’re a bit more professional about being racist!’
Pope Francis, aged 88, continues as pontiff despite his chronic health issues, including a severe bout of bronchitis.
Oh, for cunt’s sake, as one leader of a faith to another, just fucking jack it in, mate! Imagine if the Catholic faith were Arsenal, insisting on fucking Arsene Wenger turning out upfront every week, out of bullshit reverential bollocks? How does it look for the nearly-dead Catholic faith that it’s led by a clearly nearly-dead geezer? Time for a fresh start, lads! Get in a new guy – a funky young Pope of, say, 70 – and try some new ideas like not going to Hell for shagging and giving the all-clear to rubber johnnies. But oh no, you’ve gotta be massively irrelevant fucking idiots, haven’t you?
Finally, it seems Donald Trump has proposed that the Palestinians in Gaza be resettled elsewhere and the Gaza strip be occupied by the Americans, with a view to converting it into a leisure resort.
Holy Mary, Jesus and Joseph’s fucking scrotum, you seriously think you can do a Center Parcs version of ethnic cleansing? What next, cashing in on Srebrenica with a fucking Butlins? Seriously, I’m happy to draw up a chair and watch you try to convert an enormous tragedy into a fucking real estate opportunity! And then I’ll see this and all your other stupid ideas come to grief when they crash straight into fucking reality! Fascists like you are fucking scary but at least you’re total fucking incompetents!
