WILL 27-year-old Sophie Rodriguez fall for Julian Cook, aged 58, overlooking a few minor initial deceptions about his age, marital history and number of adult children?
Julian on Sophie
First impression?
Gorgeous. Stunning. She’ll be in her 30s but shaving a few years off because that’s what everyone does, so she won’t be at all discomfited when she finds out.
How was conversation?
Flowed naturally, showing that age is just a number. We understood each other’s cultural references – she’s seen Reservoir Dogs and my son’s given me a crash course in TikTok. He’s only six months older than her, though of course I’ve told him he needs to be dating women much younger.
Favourite thing about Sophie?
That dewy soft skin of youth. And the fact she didn’t blink when I mentioned using a typewriter at uni. She no doubt considers it a hipster affectation, delightfully eccentric and retro.
Memorable moments?
When I, sensing that true love had at last arrived, confessed that I am in fact not 39. ‘There’s no rule saying how recent the photos have to be,’ I suavely explained, ‘and we all lost a few years in COVID.’ I added in my three divorces, five children and a largely-dealt-with pornography addiction. Then asked ‘Is there anything there that might put you off?’
A capsule description?
Young in body opposite a man young at heart. And her throwing arm isn’t bad, I discovered.
Was there a spark?
Absolutely. Whether it would peter out she turns 30 is another matter.
What happened afterwards?
She called me, I quote, ‘a f**king pervert’ and told me to never contact her again. I told her she needed time to calm her hysteria and I’d phone her the next day. She seemed impressed to have met an old-school gentleman.
What would you change about the evening?
The part immediately following the above where she addressed me as ‘Grandad’ which was inaccurate and uncalled for. She’ll need to be more polite in future. And I don’t become a grandfather until April, for goodness’ sakes.
Will you see each other again?
Certainly. I contacted her from three different numbers but couldn’t get a reply, perhaps because women aren’t technical. Or it could be emotional immaturity, but it’s still better than a woman my own age who wears M&S knickers.
Sophie on Julian
First impression?
Old. Like, really old. His pictures on the app were Polaroids of him with a mullet so I assumed he was down with youth trends. I didn’t realise they were taken in the early 1990s.
How was conversation?
An uphill battle to understand what he was talking about. Who’s Russ Abbot? What is ‘Whazzup?’
Favourite thing about Julian?
He did insist on getting the bill. Then ruined it by telling the waitress ‘she’s going to sleep with me now’.
Memorable moments?
When he stated the blatantly obvious and told me his real age. To be fair, I should have done the maths when he mentioned his service in the Israeli Defence Force in 1986. I have views on that he did not trouble himself to hear. And when he gave me a cheap choker in a box and I threw it clear to the kitchen.
A capsule description?
Dirty, deluded, desperate old man.
Was there a spark?
I didn’t have to use the restaurant’s defibrillator, no. But I made sure I was aware of where it was.
What happened afterwards?
I blocked three different phone numbers. Who calls? Was he putting ten pence pieces in a phone box? Will I soon be repelling a carrier pigeon?
What would you change about the evening?
The part where he told me that my nose ring will have to go. I agreed, adding the unspoken condition that I will be going with it.
Will you see each other again?
I’d like to say no. But I shall be carefully probing every man in his 30s chasing a date in case one of them’s him using his son’s photos.
