Your astrological week ahead for December 7th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You learn the true meaning of Christmas this week, and it’s banging Lindsay Lohan in a cottage.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Did you know that men sex about sex every sex sexonds?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Nothing worse than a non-religious Christmas decoration. A sparkly parrot? The Lord Christ did not die for his sins. The parrot must reckon with his own choices and a fiery damnation of his own making.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

People with ADHD had no way of knowing they had it when it was discussed only in long, dense medical textbooks.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“Can I interest you in joining our lockdown re-enactment society?”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

I’ve been through the desert on a quad bike with no name. Far less awkward.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Why does drinking water out of a mug feel so wrong?

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

This week a angry, drunk man in a Glasgow pub will ask if you want to take things outside and you’ll be delighted as it will be simply a divine night for stargazing.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

“Of all the garden centres outside all the towns in the world, you had to build your grotto in mine.”

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

L is for the way you look at me. O is for oh my god stop looking at me.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

“Yes, I have a few crows’ feet around my eyes, the skin of a weasel tied under my chin, and I’m daubed in lamb’s blood. Standard shaman outfit. Are we meeting up IRL or what?”

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Those ‘Please give me a seat’ badges people wear on public transport. Do you need to actually have something wrong with you to get one?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... it's fun to stay in the C-L-O-S-E-T

WAKING with a hangover that caused me to accidentally excrete one of my kidneys, I reflect on yesterday’s events pertaining to ‘follow-up’ emails from providers of goods and services.

I had become somewhat vexed by these communiques, and decided, as the phrase goes, to ‘give them a taste of their own medicine’.

And so it was that I visited a company that had put in some blinds for me, a pest control firm, my local Tesco, a cleaning agency, and the like. Clutching a bottle of rum from which I imbibed throughout my visits, I demanded to see the managing directors of each organisation and put to them questions along the following lines: 

‘Your feedback is important to me. How was my Archbishopping today? How good a job did I do in shepherding your soul? On a scale of one to five, with one representing “shit Archbishopping” and five denoting “knocked it out of the fucking park”, how would you rate me? 

‘Would you spare just 40 minutes of your time to fill out this questionnaire or is your answer “No thanks, I don’t want to help, I am a selfish cunt”?’

I was a little the worse for wear toward the end of my rounds and some headbutting may have taken place, but I felt the point needed to be made. Satisfied it had, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Joe Biden, in one of the last acts of his presidency, has issued a pardon to his son Hunter.

Force feed me the fucking fossilised turds of Jesus, you are one of the most disastrous human beings ever to have walked this fucking planet! As corrupt as fucking Trump when it comes to pardons, clinging to your job when you should be in a rest home for the terminally bewildered! You had to fucking carry on into your dotage didn’t you, your shaking fucking finger probably within an inch of setting off the nuclear codes! Plus a bit of genocide enabling and leaving us at the mercy of a fucking orange fascist idiot! I don’t know how you’re gonna die but I hope it’s not too fucking painless!

Victor Willis, lead singer of The Village People, has vehemently insisted that the song YMCA is not a gay anthem but in fact a celebration of ‘black male friendship’. 

You are fucking shitting me! YMCA? It’s as gay as the fucking day is long! If you didn’t realise that as you were writing it, performing it, dressing as it and dancing along to it you are one oblivious motherfucker! If you lined up the inches of cock that have been sucked to this song since 1978 it’d reach to fucking Saturn! You should be proud of that, not running around in denial in the culture wars like some fucking Japanese soldier in the jungle in 1972 who thinks World War II is still going on! Although technically it would be a fucking gay Japanese sailor!

On BBC Question Time from Lincoln this week were Jacqui Smith, Conservative MP Kevin Hollinrake, Alastair Campbell, and Nigel Farage, appearing on the programme for the 38th time.

Fucking marvellous, the full spectrum of UK politics there, from right to fucking far right! The warmonger Campbell, the unelected Israel apologist Smith, some Tory cunt and yeah, chewing on the perpetual hard-on the BBC has for fascists, Nigel Farage. You know what, keep the fucking BBC but ditch fucking BBC News! I swear we’d all be better informed without it, so show fucking Tom And Jerry instead! If you can’t bear to live without Farage, CGI him into it and have him twatted in the face with a frying pan! That’d be ‘BBC balance’ we can all get behind!

Finally, in response to allegations of inappropriate behaviour, suggestive remarks and sexual harassment, Gregg Wallace said that all of the complaints came from ‘middle-class women of a certain age’. He then quickly issued a statement ‘apologising’ for ‘any offence caused’ by these remarks. 

You know what, Wallace? You can take your fucking non-pology, in which you’re basically blaming people for finding offence where there was none, put it in a sock and shove it up your fucking arse, you vile, lecherous slab of fucking scum! I’ve always argued, on balance, against people like you being put in the town square in stocks with your fucking bollocks hanging out for citizens to torment, but in your case, I’d make an exception! Fuck it, let’s stick with the MasterChef theme and bring back boiling oil!