PRESIDENT Trump is back to imposing tariffs based on whim, prejudice and whatever crossed his YouTube feed last night. These are his victims of his coming manias:
Beanie Babies
According to a man whose brain largely stopped recording new information 30 years ago, the new cryptocurrency. Tariff 100 per cent.
Bauxite
Remembers seeing the word. Is impressed he remembers. Tariff 100 per cent.
Croissants
Groping blindly for anything despicably European. Tariff 200 per cent, though irrelevant because baked goods are not shipped internationally.
Child rebel soldiers
Africa can keep them. America will soon be manufacturing its own. Tariff 200 per cent.
Soccer
As a concept. Tariff 250 per cent.
Wind
Wind turbines can’t generate energy without wind. Will boost demand for oil. Tariff 300 per cent.
Heroin
Tariffs at 1,000 per cent. Smuggling heroin into the United States is now so unprofitable it is all but abolished.
English actors
They come over to Hollywood and take all the jobs. Well no more, Hugh Grant. Tariffs 1,500 per cent.
Viral social media posts
Why should Australian influencers get views on American phones? No more. Tariffs 1,750 per cent.
Barack Obama
Kenyan import. Tariff at 2,000 per cent.
Liberal values
Originally from France and can go straight back there. Thomas Paine to be deported. Statue of Liberty to be half-buried in sand, as it used to be. Tariffs 2,125 per cent.
Spanish
An unwanted language from an unnecessary country. Tariff 2,500 on all Spanish speakers. America can speak its own native tongue, English.
Democracy
Greek. Tariffs 3,750 per cent.
All metals
Why limit it to just steel and aluminium? Iron, lead, nickel, copper, lithium and gold are all abundant in the US. If they are not found then the mines are not deep enough. Tariffs 4,000 per cent.
English Setters, Scottish and Border Terriers, Labradors, Alsatians, Chihuahuas and King Charles Spaniels
Hit ‘em where it hurts: the dogs. Tariffs at 4,000 per cent and deportation orders coming.
Foreign currencies
Tariffs at 10,000 per cent. The dollar is the only currency worth spending.
Foreign tariffs
Tariffs at 100,000 per cent. This will eliminate all tariffs.
