UKRAINE has begun talks with Panama, Greenland and Canada to settle the US’s petty territorial concerns for it while it is busy.
Noticing that the United States’s negotiation apparatus was all tied up in meetings with Russia, the eastern European nation has kindly stepped in and promised to ‘sort everything out’.
Foreign affairs minister Andrii Sybiha said: “The US has a lot on its plate right now, right as Musk’s fired half the government! But anything to help out a friend.
“We’ve put the US argument forward – I believe it’s that they should have whatever they want because Trump, it didn’t take long – and we’re now hearing representations from the other countries at the table. Some convincing arguments!
“Our key aim is peace, of course, which is worth any price. So with that in mind we’re offering a unilateral withdrawal of US troops and generous reparations.
“I think the US will be delighted when they come out of whatever they’re doing and discover we’ve forged binding agreements on their behalf but without their input. We’ve saved them so much work.
“What you say? The most powerful side will just ignore the agreements anyway? Oh. How unlike our own situation.”
