Health

Ryvita and seaweed crisps: The joyless prick's guide to snacking

SNACKING is one of the few sources of joy we can look forward to each day. Here health obsessive Lauren Hewitt reveals the best foods to make it miserable.

'It's only a cold so piss off,' says GP's answerphone

THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off.

Toned gym regulars enjoying fat red-faced twat season

ATHLETIC gym regulars are savouring the annual spectable of overweight, panting new members pounding on running machines.

Six Guardian wellbeing tips if you have no job and limitless cash

SEEKING serenity, we all turn to the Guardian for advice on coping with the stress and strain of reading terrifying stories in the Guardian. Here are their tips to make you feel good, all the time, about everything.

The five hangovers of Twixmas, from best to please kill me

THE hinterland between Christmas and New Year punishes your body and mind in novel ways. These hangovers are why you’ll return to work not remotely refreshed.

Man starts moisturising far, far too late

A MIDDLE-AGED man has adopted a new skincare routine, despite being so leathery and grizzled that it is too late to make a difference.

'What did lockdowns really achieve besides saving lives?' asks Johnson

BORIS Johnson has asked the Covid inquiry to explain what the benefit was of a precaution that stopped people dying.

Woman doomed to spend the rest of her life in warm shower

A WOMAN has found herself physically incapable of stepping out of her warm shower and into the unpleasantly cold atmosphere of her bathroom.

What gross illness has your child brought home from nursery this week?

ARE you feeling like shit again and wondering what your toddler has infected you with this week? Probably one of these vile ailments.

Long eyebrow hairs, and other ways the male body gets sexier and sexier with age

MEN tend to start off gorgeous and like fine wines only get better with age. Here are just five ways the male body basically turns all blokes into George Clooney eventually.