Health

A FRIEND is in the Algarve, and you’ve been entrusted with the care of their Northerner. Here’s how to ensure he remains healthily gruff and bitter-supping.

BRITONS have smuggled cocaine disguised as Angel Delight, which has millions with a packet of the latter at the back of a cupboard wondering: should I snort it? Apply these tests.

A MAN with an impressive six-pack has been sighted looking upwards at cloud cover, sighing and shaking his head, then putting his T-shirt back on.

WEIGHT-loss drugs also cut the risk of strokes and heart attacks in a massive blow to the innate superiority of twats who spend their lives at the gym.

A WOMAN who hired a personal trainer had no idea she was summoning a PE teacher for whom she is the lone fat, lazy bastard in the class.

WATER is, ultimately, water. Sadly that doesn’t stop some being incredibly particular about the hydration they need to live, like the following wankers...

YOUNG people have turned away from disposable vapes to sober, heavyweight vapes that will last a lifetime, just as the government intended.

A GROUNDBREAKING wanker is doing pull-ups on a London underground train, fellow commuters have disgustedly confirmed.