'The efficiency of its administrative layer played an admittedly minor part in saving my life': Your memories of NHS England

14th March 2025

OVER the 13 years since it was formed, NHS England has indirectly and tangentially touched so many of our lives. Here are your memories:

Steve Malley, electrical technician, Romford

“Yeah, when I went in for an ingrowing toenail in 2015, I am given to understand NHS England provided a level of managerial oversight over and above those actually working on the procedure. God bless them. They saved my life.”

Jo Kramer, supermarket cashier, Settle

“My mother suffered from kidney failure and for seven years of hospital appointments until her eventual transplant, I never once heard of NHS England. I assume that’s because they were so incredibly efficient in doing whatever it is they do. Heroes one and all.”

Nikki Hollis, nurse, Croydon

“It deals with my pay, my holidays, my requests for time in lieu and my completely bollocks staff diversity training. Well, I say they do but mostly it’s outsourced to private providers who do a shit job and you can’t reach on the phone. So I’ll miss it tremendously.”

Jeremy Hunt, retired politician, Pimlico

“As a typical Tory who couldn’t give a gnat’s nuts for the NHS, this being put in place immediately as I became health secretary was an absolute godsend to me. I didn’t have to do a f**king thing for six years. Piece of piss. Easiest job I ever had, apart from those two years as chancellor.”

Julian Cook, quangocrat, Leeds

“My employer for the last nine years but, as we say in this business, the quangs come and the quangs go. I’m sure there’ll be another arms-length government body where I can earn a large salary while adding no discernible value. What’s wrong with two layers of bureaucracy? Keeps you warm.”

Keir Starmer, prime minister, Westminster

“13,000 of them and can they as so much as change a dressing? Eh? Can they perform open-heart surgery? Can they f**k. Can’t even prescribe you a pill, half of the bastards. Bunch of f**king timewasters. What do you mean, I sound like Elon Musk?”

Roblox, Minecraft, Metal Gear Solid: Which computer game is best at parenting your kids?

14th March 2025

CONCERNS have been raised over children being left unsupervised on gaming platform Roblox. So as a responsible parent, which game should you be allowing to bring up your kids?

Minecraft

This giant virtual Lego world allows you to mine, craft tools and build structures. It’s great for kids’ creativity, but don’t expect them to learn anything that will help them pass exams or get a well-paid job later in life. So it’s like sending them to a Steiner school, really.

Skyrim

This fantasy game offers something for Guardian and Telegraph-reading parents alike. Its Nordic setting is a perfect introduction to nonsense like ‘hygge’ and generally wanking on about how great Scandinavia is. Meanwhile for Telegraph parents, the sheer size of the game and its many sidequests mean you’ll barely see your kids – just like boarding school. And at £29.95, it’s £53,720 a year cheaper than Eton.

Metal Gear Solid

With their emphasis on stealth, the various versions of Metal Gear Solid teach kids a valuable lesson: be quiet. If they’re getting on your nerves, encourage them to emulate Solid Snake by hiding under the bed for several hours with a butter knife gripped between their teeth.

Roblox

Another user-generated content game, this time with a platforming theme. It’s got a lot of users – imagine your kid having 90 million friends and f**king off to play at their houses all the time. Bliss! Sure, there’ve been a few minor concerns about grooming, but what’s a paedo going to actually do to your little one? Stand next to their avatar jumping up and down? You were in more danger from your pervy PE teacher Mr Dyson in 1986. Kids these days, etc.

Call of Duty

Worried your male child has had too sheltered an upbringing and needs toughening up? It’s time for online multiplayer mode. A few hours of relentless homophobic abuse and full details of their mother’s sexual proclivities will be more effective – and less permanent – than calling them Sue.

Manic Miner

With its outdated gameplay and basic graphics, Manic Miner teaches your child the value of repetitive tasks and low expectations – vital skills in the modern workplace. Plus you’re giving them a head start in life by introducing them to classical music. Well, a 1-bit version of In the Hall of the Mountain King. Make sure they have headphones.

Elite

In the 80s Elite caused a buzz with its revolutionary 3D graphics, and much merriment due to encouraging children to deal in narcotics. But definitely get your kid plonked in front of it, because the core mechanic is… commodities trading! Brilliant! It’s like brainwashing your child to work in the City of London! Get them obsessively calculating returns on tedious lists of minerals and alloys and that’s your retirement Saga cruises sorted.

Wolfenstein

Very, very educational. Technically Hitler didn’t have a mecha suit armed with Gatling guns, but the general gist of him being a wrong ‘un is correct. The developers should branch out into other GCSE history topics. James Hargreaves could come at you with a laser Spinning Jenny.

Mass Effect

It’s important not to forget your child’s emotional development, and the Mass Effect sci-fi RPG franchise introduces them to the concept of not f**king things up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The multiple-choice romancing is woefully unrealistic and the dialogue painfully stilted, but still about a billion times less toe-curling than the average teenage romance.