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Teenagers switch from disposably vaping to properly, permanently vaping

YOUNG people have turned away from disposable vapes to sober, heavyweight vapes that will last a lifetime, just as the government intended. 

An upcoming ban on disposable vapes has forced a generation to recognise their nicotine addiction is not something to be easily discarded but will be with them for decades to come.

21-year-old Hannah Tomlinson said: “I owe the government thanks. They’ve forced me to grow up.

“Who knows how long I’d have carried on sucking on candy-coloured watermelon-flavoured vapes if they hadn’t stepped in? Always deludedly promising myself the next one would be the last. Never taking responsibility.

“Now I’ve invested in a GeekVape Aegis Legend for sub-ohm vaping with a large airflow, I’m getting twice the hit from every puff. More than that, I’ve accepted who I am: a vaper.”

Ryan Whittaker, aged 29, said: “This is like when they banned packets of ten fags or replaced ordinary cannabis with skunk; it’s made the casuals hardcore.

“Welcome to lifelong nicotine dependency, kids. Welcome to happiness.”

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Emotionally mature man looking for serious, long-term f**k buddy

A MAN sick of the misogynistic carousel of online dating is ready to settle down with a serious, long-term casual hook up, he has announced. 

Having taken a step back from the apps to work on himself, Tom Booker is finally ready to make the commitment to a slam piece he can bang a few times a week until they are both ready for something more with someone different.

Booker said: “I’m through with playing the field. It’s time to go exclusive with one person who I’ll never introduce to my other friends.

“My ideal partner will be hot, of course. But she’ll also be cool with only connecting on a physical level. I don’t want to mislead her with romantic acts like taking an interest in her as a person, and I hope she’ll feel the same.

“Not to get ahead of myself, but I want to meet someone who abhors feelings, knows next to nothing about me and is always down to f**k whenever I feel like it. And I believe that woman is out there.

“As for me, I bring to the table a clean flat I can host in, a personality it’s impossible to fall for, and an awareness of where the clitoris is. I’m something of a triple threat.”

Potential partner Nikki Hollis said: “Tom is scum, but he’s honest with his intentions and has a plan for the future. He’s light years ahead of every other bloke on Bumble.”

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