Health

A THERAPIST is helping a client to gradually reach the understanding that all of their problems are there own f**king fault, it has emerged.

THE UK is facing a choice between continuing to eat crisps or living longer, and made its decision before reaching the end of this sentence.

A MOTHER has decided that her son’s 25th birthday should be marked with anecdotes about perineal tears and a pelvic floor ‘that never recovered’.

THE first duty of any son is to care for his elderly father’s prostate. Unless you’re Harry, who is nowhere to be seen when he should be soothing Charles’ inflamed spunk gland.

AS a loyal subject it is your duty to help the Royal Family in any way possible, so touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate. Now.

COUPLES who run, cycle and attend the gym together are scoping out each other’s physical flaws before the inevitable fight to the death.

MOST depressing day of the year? Only if you fall for that nonsense. Stoical father Steve Malley tells you how to get through it by not feeling emotions.