COULD Ukraine firing British missiles deep into Russia escalate the conflict to a third world war? Here’s how to not let global thermonuclear conflict spoil a magical Christmas.
Stock up on Lemsip, Nurofen and iodine
Don’t let a cold, hangover or radiation sickness ruin your festive fun. Iodine offers limited protection, depending on your distance from the blast radius. Administer the bitter liquid in a seasonal way – a few drops will hardly ruin your mulled wine, which will still taste like sucking corked £1.99 Merlot through a filthy sock.
Wind-up torches are great stocking-fillers
Imagine Granddad’s face lighting up when, the National Grid destroyed, he unwraps this on Christmas Day! For larger presents there are wind-up radios and camping lanterns which as many campers have discovered, provide a healthy, exhausting workout for very little illumination.
Send annoying relatives to radiation hotspots
Tiresome brother-in-law coming? Ask him to pick up packet bread sauce from the nearest irradiated location, ideally one ruled over by feral cannibal mutants. He won’t be raiding the Celebrations any time soon! Should have tried harder than buying you a single bottle of Doom Bar with a pint glass last year, shouldn’t he?
Don’t forget pet presents!
Some believe Christmas presents for pets are silly, because cats and dogs don’t understand the concept of reciprocal gift-giving inspired by the vestiges of pagan and Christian beliefs in a post-religious society. But in the post-apocalyptic wasteland a dog can be man’s best murderous friend, so keep him sweet with a squeaky rubber turkey leg.
Pop festive tape on the windows
The shockwave of a thermonuclear blast will go through buildings like a high-speed train, but if you’re not at ground zero you might only suffer broken windows and flying debris. Put seasonal gift tape with fir trees, reindeer and Santas on your windows for a festive twist on dodging the danger of flying glass.
Downscale Christmas dinner
Turkey and the trimmings will be a challenge with no refrigeration, no electricity and ruptured gas mains, so make a non-perishable instant version. Most supermarkets do roast turkey and stuffing-flavour crisps – about 40 bags are an easy replacement. Plain digestives loosely resemble Yorkshire puds and green M&Ms are nicer than sprouts. Mmm!
Christmas abroad will, for once, be a good idea
As British cities are obliterated in quick succession, you’ll feel really good about yourself for finally getting it together and having that exotic Caribbean Christmas everyone talks about. There goes Leeds, but well done you! And not being dead definitely deserves one of those fun rum cocktails that comes in a coconut.
