HOLLYWOOD has stubbornly continued to make films even though it peaked 25 years ago. None of these recent releases can compare to a rewatch of a 1999 cyberpunk classic: 

The Wild Robot (2024)

Deadly machines, impressive action sequences and a dark vision of a cybernetic future, yes, but bogged down by talking beavers and overwrought messaging about parental love. The Wachowskis left that shit out of The Matrix for a reason.

Gladiator II (2024)

Inferior sequels trading on the unqualified brilliance of their predecessor? The Matrix did it all in 2003, mate. You’d be better off with the original Gladiator or even better, the lobby shootout bit from an entirely different film.

Paddington in Peru (2024)

Spending £15 to watch the mascot of the Home Office and Windrush-denier Paddington on another predictable adventure? Or a DVD of The Matrix, available two for a quid at all branches of British Heart Foundation?

Blitz (2024)

Hasn’t society had enough World War Two films? What is there left to say about the 1940-41 bombing raids on London? If you want to see something you’re already overfamiliar with, why not the bit where Morpheus tells Neo ‘stop trying to hit me and hit me’?

Anora (2024)

Three minutes shorter than The Matrix, which means you have time to skim the synopsis on Wikipedia then settle down to watch Neo realise he’s a human battery living in a simulation. You could even squeeze in a loo break if you’re quick.

The Substance (2024)

Oh, The Substance boasts stunning visual effects, does it? Compared to bullet time, which revolutionised action cinema while showing Neo’s development as a character? And is fun to pretend to do when pissed?

Small Things Like These (2024)

Catholicism. Coal-mining. Cillian Murphy. You don’t even need to see this movie because you can already imagine how wearisome and worthy it will be, only getting through it by replaying the mid-air Agent Smith fight in your mind.

Heretic (2024)

Could be alright. But it’s an A24 film so don’t expect explosions. Why bother when you could watch a reliable science fiction action movie that’s never let you down, and dwells on the nature of humanity with reference to Gnostic philosophies if you’re feeling intellectual?

Red One (2024)

It’s a film with The Rock playing Santa Claus’s bodyguard. Have some self respect.