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We ask you: what botched cosmetic procedure are you travelling to Turkey for?

TRAVELLING to Turkey for cosmetic surgery which goes horribly wrong is now a rite of passage for Britons. What misjudged operation are you choosing? 

Steve Malley, plasterer: “Hair transplant. I’m self-conscious about my thinning hair, but will be much less so about a heavily scarred scalp where wounds open up from time to time.”

Helen Archer, theatrical seamstress: “I’m going for a Brazilian butt-lift. They always go wrong and I’ll achieve my dream of appearing in the Daily Mail looking aggrieved.”

Nikki Hollis, shipping clerk: “Lips for me. Mine are normal and I want those freak ones like on telly that look like the knot’s going to come undone and they’ll fly farting around the room.

Joseph Turner, academic librarian: “I’m actually going over there to perform an operation. I’ve always wanted to so they’re charging me four grand to completely bungle some luckless f**ker’s gastric band surgery.”

Roy Hobbs, retired: “I’ve booked in for the lot: £8,500 and they’ll go at me with every procedure they can think of, all at once, with predictably catastrophic consequences. It’s cheaper than Dignitas.”

Why it's time for Millennials in Need, by Martin Bishop, aged 35

CHILDREN aren’t the only ones who have it tough, in fact us poor Millennials deserve your donations more. Here’s why.

Have you seen the price of anything lately?

A small tin of beans is £1.20. Two pints of milk push two quid. No wonder the birth rate is in decline if we can’t afford the basics. If older people want grandkids and younger people want to keep using us as an easy punching bag, they should dig deep every year with a big song and dance charity event. The mascot could be Pudsey living in his childhood bedroom.

You’ve all been really mean to us

It hasn’t escaped our attention that every other generation has been incredibly nasty to Millennials. For too long we’ve endured article after article claiming that we’ve killed everything from breakfast cereal to wine corks, and now Gen Z are having a go at our skinny jeans and side partings. A hundred grand in reparations to every Millennial is all it takes to make the pain go away though.

Wages have been stagnant since 2008

Just as huge swathes of us Millennials stumbled into the workforce with the useless degrees we were coerced into getting, the economy fell on its arse and hasn’t ever recovered. We white-knuckled it through years of austerity hoping that things would turn around, but then along came the pandemic and the threat of AI. Compared to some kids with their whole lives ahead of them, we’re much more in need of your cash.

I want to buy a house

Or at the very least a flat. And if my parents are too tight and poor to stump up the deposit then the public will have to help. I could organise an annual event where you feel guilt tripped into making yourself look like a tit for charity, or you could save yourself the hassle and just PayPal some funds directly into my account. Choice is yours.

We’re essentially children anyway

Older Millennials may be in their forties, but they’re only adults physically. As a generation we still cling onto symbols of our youth like Pokemon, Harry Potter and Friends because we haven’t matured mentally, which is much more depressing than a short film about Barnardo’s wedged between some light entertainment when you think about it.

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