A MAN has been exposed after posing as a veteran on Remembrance Sunday. But faking a military career is so popular you can’t help wondering if you should try it yourself. Let’s look at the pros and cons.
Pro: Free drinks
Britain is increasingly going down the American path of idolising the military to a ludicrous extent, so as an imposter you’ll never have to buy a drink in the pub again. You may as well ditch your usual affordable pint of Heineken and get pissed on pricey tipples like champagne cocktails. Sod it, make it a pint of Château Mouton Rothschild, love.
Con: Being considered the lowest scum in existence
If you’re found out the reaction will be extremely negative, so from your Walter Mitty perspective it’s probably better to get the attention and respect you crave from a more harmless lie, eg. you used to be in Inspiral Carpets. There’s far less chance of Clint Boon walking into the pub than a fellow drinker noticing you’re surprisingly overweight for someone who recently left the Special Boat Service.
Pro: It’s actually quite a good hobby
To lie convincingly you’ll need to be knowledgeable about regimental histories, military hardware and tactics, and of course battles you’ve taken part in. All of these subjects are totally fascinating, as any man will confirm. So by faking a military career you’re learning things and exercising your imagination. You’re living in a pathetic fantasy world, sure, but it’s better than fishing.
Con: It’s mentally exhausting
Unlike, say, stamp collecting, if you don’t remain alert at all times you could be in deep trouble. Even a minor error about cap badges might raise the suspicions of someone with actual military experience. Also, no stamp collector has ever got their head kicked in for lying about owning a rare 1840 Twopenny Blue.
Pro: It makes you more interesting
Taking out an Iraqi bunker with with your SAS mates Robbo and Degsy is infinitely more interesting than any of your usual anecdotes. In fact people would probably prefer to knowingly listen to a pack of bullshit lies than another retelling of your f**king boring story about how your missing gym membership card ‘amazingly’ turned up IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER!
Con: It’s easy to get carried away
Lying about being in the military offers psychological rewards like popularity, so it’s natural to want to do it more, and this is risky. Modest lies about jungle training in Belize decades ago are fairly believable, but not your top-secret sniper mission to assassinate Putin that only failed because a beautiful Russian spy betrayed you. Especially if you lazily decided to call her Natasha Romanoff.
Pro: Wearing cool accessories
It’s easy to see how you might get a buzz from wearing a chestful of medals, a regimental tie or the legendary Red Beret of the Parachute Regiment, which must feel like being Sean Connery in A Bridge Too Far. Sure, dressing up to create a whole fictional military life you’ve never led is weird and creepy, but still less embarrassing than LARPing as an elf in a field near Swindon.
Cons: Being asked about them
This is probably the biggest downside of impersonating a veteran: living in constant fear of being exposed. All it takes is someone – possibly, awfully, your partner – to ask if you’re a bit young to have a Korean War medal and you’re heading for social pariah status and, in some cases, prison. Although a would-be war hero like you loves leading a life of danger, right?
