By Dr Julian Cook, judgemental otolaryngologist
I STAND over the body. ‘It’s a damn shame,’ I mutter, as police prepare to take another cotton bud fatality to the morgue. These are just a few of the ways they can kill you:
Crainial trauma
The force of a single cotton bud smashing through your ear is equivalent to a JCB digger being dropped onto a fridge from the top of the Shard. Accidentally punch through that protective layer of earwax and you’re going straight into disabling neurological function. At best you will never see the colour mauve again.
Cardiac infarction
Cough unexpectedly? You’ve convulsively rammed that cotton bud into your bloodstream where it will travel around your body clearing arteries until it punches your heart like a Gladiator’s pugil stick.
Reset to factory settings
Push too far at the wrong point? You’ve hit the tiny button by your eardrum that erases everything and reboots your system. You may not be dead, but your memories, personality, language skills and soul have been instantly wiped forever. The ‘you’ you once were has gone forever, like a Tamagotchi.
Debilitating and ultimately fatal addiction
You’ve had a taste of the good stuff when it scratches just the right spot and comes out heavy with wax. A high better than a speedball, right? Yeah, and now you’re chasing it and forgoing food, shelter and sleep for one more ride on that cotton dragon.
Fairisle germs
That cotton is constantly shedding. Without you realising, your ears are filling with wool. Not only does this deafen you, it means all the viruses and bacteria that pass through the ear canal, the Panama Canal of the body, are dressing in cotton fibres to keep themselves warm and protect against your white blood cells. The next day, you die.
Insulting God
By clearing earwax, you’re suggesting the creator deity of your choice created you imperfectly. And you have rejected Him for the golden calf of plastic-free recyclable cotton buds. For this you’ll burn eternally and/or suffer impacted earwax. Put them on the ground and step away.
