NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?
Ryan Whittaker, topiary artist: “He should pick the team like I use Tinder; assume anyone over 23 has too much baggage and focus on those more amenable to his instruction.”
Stephen Malley, screenwriter: “And when he has the option, as a German, of picking from their lads as well. Poor.”
Helen Archer, sandblaster: “We do have Myles Lewis-Skelly in the squad, who from the name I assume is a louche, smoking aristocrat recently stepped off a three-masted schooner from Saskatchewan where he’d been hunting Bigfoot.”
Jordan Gardner, marriage counselor: “Good to see Marcus Rashford back. Really sets the bar at ‘doing alright for Villa’.”
Charlotte Phelps, confectioner: “Why play Danny Dyer’s son-in-law when we could have the real thing?”
