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Coked-up Cheltenham crowds have no idea what is going on

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible. 

Crowds have flocked to the racing event where they have discovered a mix of maths, posh women in hats, rampant Irishness and hundreds of identical horses is incomprehensible to them.

Estate agent Tom Booker, aged 26, said: “Maybe it’s the gak but I can’t follow a f**king thing. I’ve had the concept of ‘each way’ explained three times, louder and more aggressive each go, but it’s not gone in.

“This copy of the Racing Post is just full of numbers next to phrases like Wendigo and Intense Approach. That can’t be said to have meaning. So I’ve given £50 to a man in a big coat doing sign language, and now I’m going to get pissed.”

Booker then joined a host of other plaid-suited cigar-smoking bald and bearded men and was shortly embroiled in a nice simple fight.

Racing tipster Roy Hobbs said: “None of us understand the event unfolding around us, whether on half a gram of beak or otherwise.

“The secret is to shout and cheer when everyone else is doing so and at the end of each race, go up to a booth or portakabin waving a bit of paper around. They might give you some cash.”

Men tell economy that shock shrinkage is okay and normal

BRITAIN’S men have rushed to reassure the economy that a shock shrinkage is nothing to worry about and happens all the time.

After reading reports that the economy dipped unexpectedly in January, sympathetic men have been in touch to let it know they have all been there and everything will be alright.

Joseph Turner from Worthing said: “Don’t beat yourself up mate. You’ve been under a lot of pressure since, what, 2008? This was bound to happen.

“Nobody’s the virile young buck they used to be 30 years ago, and that’s fine. Your days of splashing out on poorly-budgeted vanity projects might be behind you, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

“My advice is to take it easy, maybe go on holiday for a bit. Try not to force things and by the time the next budget rolls around I’m sure you’ll be fine. Don’t dwell on this, okay bro? That’ll only make things worse.”

Nathan Muir from Basingstoke told the economy: “Women like Rachel Reeves don’t understand how we work. We can’t be expected to perform all the time and at a moment’s notice, especially at our age.

“If I were you I’d think about something exciting like tax hikes or a massive housebuilding programme to get the blood pumping. Failing that, hook up with some sexy foreign investment. Works every time.”

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