THE government has promised disabled benefits claimants that toiling away in poorly-paid dead-end jobs is a miracle cure.
According to a government report co-written with lobbyists the We Hate Shirking Bastards Foundation, stacking shelves and monitoring factory conveyor belts will not just benefit the wider economy but sort long-term mental health conditions right out.
Work and pensions secretary Liz Kendall said: “The money is secondary. The real carrot on a stick here is the magical healing property of menial toil.
“They may fear being forced into work will only damage their minds and bodies, because they’ve done it before, but that’s wrong. Once the vulnerable have done enough shifts to get them off our books they’ll find themselves doing impromptu dance marathons on days off for sheer joy.
“Still not convinced? Just look at everyone beavering away at work. Look how happy and fulfilled they are, their physical shortcomings forgotten, their mental health a calm ocean of contentment. That could soon be you.
“And soon you’ll be dancing with delight each morning like them, your crutches and anti-psychotic medications no longer necessary now you’ve found your destiny as a chicken de-beaker. That’s the theory, anyway.”
Former PIP claimant Martin Bishop said: “It’s true. All my aches and pains have vanished after re-entering the workforce. Although I’m now dead.”
