THERE is literally nothing more dangerous than someone smoking in a beer garden. If you find yourself caught up in this terrifying situation, follow these government guidelines.
Do not approach them
Catching a whiff of fag smoke will expose you to a smell you don’t like for a few seconds, which is intolerable, and you will instantly get cancer and die. There is also the risk of a small fleck of hot ash landing on your clothes, causing you to combust like the Human Torch. Maintain a safe distance of at least 100 metres.
Raise the alarm
Call 999. Once a rapid response unit has been dispatched, start shouting: ‘DANGER! DANGER! SMOKER IN OR NEAR THE PUB BEER GARDEN!’ Don’t worry this might be an overreaction and people will laugh at you. Many members of the public have an obsessive hatred of smoking in all its forms, such as the ones who have convinced themselves they can smell odourless vapes halfway down the street, and it is like inhaling bubblegum-flavoured mustard gas.
Neutralise the smoker with passive-aggression
Keir Starmer has been justifying his control freak tendencies by claiming the last wheezy handful of smokers in the UK is a massive burden on the NHS. Use the same tactic, eg. ‘Do you want sick kiddies to die because the hospital spent all the money on ashtrays?’ Passive-aggression is always pathetic, but it’s not like there weren’t any warning signs that Starmer was a bit of tosser when we voted for him.
Deploy a public information campaign
Nothing changes people’s behaviour like an embarrassingly bad public information campaign. Older readers will remember ‘Evil Mr Nick O’Teen’, which completely stopped you smoking when you were 11 but somehow stopped working when you were 16. It’s odd that the character, charismatically dressed as a cigarette, did not appear in the recent Superman films.
Alert the ‘Smoking in pub gardens’ tsar
Report the incident to the newly-appointed ‘Smoking in pub gardens’ tsar, who will be some pointless political hanger-on like Trevor Phillips or Jo Swinson. And if you are intending to visit a pub to drink alcohol, be sure to follow the guidelines set out by Starmer’s ‘Four pints is more than enough’ tsar.
Don protective clothing
Cigarette smoke is deadly, but it’s unlikely you’ve gone to the pub in full hazmat gear so you’ll have to improvise. Put a plastic bag over your head and seal it tightly around your neck with a full roll of Sellotape. Ignore your vision starting to blur at the edges and do not make breathing holes. Smoke might get in, which would be unsafe.
Don’t be a hero
If the pub garden smoker persists with their foul habit, you might be tempted to stop them yourself by punching them repeatedly and stamping on their Marlboro Light. This is brave but foolhardy. Stick to the official advice: retreat to a place of safety and let trained police snipers take them down with a headshot.
