WITH a new term underway, your kids need to be fully supplied or get detention, explains leering 1980s PE teacher Tom Logan. Make sure they’ve got all these:
Fags
They’ve got to learn about life, and life is smoking. Why else would the staffroom be a wall of blue haze like the Battle of Waterloo after an intense exchange of cannon fire? Send them in with at least ten of either B&H, John Player Special or Rothmans, or with 20p to buy one individually from a newsagent while wearing school uniform.
Demeaning PE kit for girls
How can you do netball without tiny, tiny pants, ladies? Boys are in shorts, unless they’ve forgotten them and have to wear spares from the kit bin Riley pissed in. But girls? Tiny pints and polo shirts that tend toward the transparent and clingy. I insist.
NHS glasses
Back here in God’s decade we don’t have poofy anti-bullying policies. NHS glasses are a must because they make life simpler for everyone. Bullies know who to beat up, I know who to humiliate, and the nickname ‘Brains from Thunderbirds’ saves us having to think of a new one. The time saved can be used productively on games of low-quality football.
Period products
This is something I feel incredibly uncomfortable discussing so get them some pads with wings or a big sponge or whatever. That’s enough about this horrible subject. No you don’t get to go home.
Protractor set
In the high-tech world of the late 20th century, it’s vital children can draw circles with a pencil screwed to a bipod. Some parents are buying computers, but they’ll never be good for anything but Space Invaders. Drawing a circle? You’ll need that later.
Make-up
Make sure your daughter has plenty of make-up products for school and don’t worry if her early attempts at prettifying herself are inept. It’s better than looking at their spotty adolescent skin. Some girls will paint themselves entirely orange every day for years. Fine by me.
Short skirts
In my considered opinion short skirts are the most practical clothing for girls because they allow their legs to move freely, meaning they can get to lessons quicker and learn more. They also play a vital role in their personal development, boosting confidence and preventing them turning into lesbians in dungarees at Greenham Common. And without the skirts, watching school netball practice would be a chore.
