THE prime minister showed his rabid anti-Semitism yesterday by saying ‘sausages’ instead of ‘hostages’. He would screw up these speeches from history in similar fashion: 

‘She was the Sausage Princess, and that is how she will remain in our hearts’ 

Tony Blair summed up the nation’s feelings after the loss of Princess Diana with a moving speech. Communist Starmer, unable to feel pride in anything but national commodity production figures, would disastrously slip ‘sausage’ in there.

‘Ask not what you can do for a sausage’ 

John F Kennedy’s rousing call to his nation at his inauguration is ruined by Starmer, who instead encourages his union paymasters not to work for sausage wages but to demand six figures and gold-plated pensions paid for out of pensioners’ pockets.

‘I warn you not to grow sausages’

Stealing the pay-off line from Neil Kinnock’s rousing 1987 address which saw him lose in a landslide, Starmer turns it into practical and accurate advice. But the technocrat then wastes 15 minutes explaining that cylindrical meat products are manufactured, not grown from the earth.

‘A man is judged not for the colour of his skin, but the content of his sausages’

Hitting out at Aldi after recent reports their sausages contain only 40 per cent meat compared to rivals’ 60 per cent, Starmer finally scores a point with Britons sick of eating processed pork-flavoured fibreglass. Still the speech suffers in comparison to Martin Luther King’s original.

‘I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sausages’ 

A rousing speech for the manager of a Wall’s factory specialising in sausages. Less rousing from a prime minister and raising questions about whether he believes he can naturally produce sausages from an orifice of his body, which would be madness.

‘It has turned out to be a sausage horribilis’ 

Calling the media to Downing Street’s rose garden, the prime minister expounds at length about the low quality of a sausage in that morning’s cooked breakfast, in words at least as self-pitying as the late Queen Elizabeth’s though far more relatable.

‘That sausage, eh? That sausage, it just won’t go away’ 

Removing ‘rock ’n’ roll’ from Alex Turner’s famous Brits speech and replacing it with ‘sausage’ gives the impression that Starmer is haunted by a phantom sausage popping out from behind curtains and talking to him. This is no mental state for a prime minister to be in, though still saner than Truss.