Sport

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

THE Olympics has brought dozens of muscular, scantily-clad hunks to our screens. But is objectifying anyone acceptable in this day and age?

AUSTRALIA are fourth in the Olympic medal table despite the country’s disdain for any activity that emphasises physical achievement over intellectual prowess.

OLYMPIC medal winners are wasting no time in consuming the precious metal discs they need to eat in order to survive.

THEY may be unknown now, but after the next fortnight our Olympians will crop up on Bake-Off, Strictly, and Celebrity Masterchef. So who are they?

ATHLETES in Paris’s Olympic village are spending their evenings engaged in sexual congress which they see as a physical endurance challenge.

THE opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in Paris will be so obsessed with France and French national identity that Britain will go unmentioned, fans fear.

THE Olympics are here, and with them a host of events you have never before heard of which prove captivating viewing. What’s your favourite?