JUDE Law is plugging a new film while all we really want to know about is the Primrose Hill celebrity wife-swapping debauchery of the early 00s. Be glad you were never involved:
General etiquette issues
Spousal exchange programmes are an etiquette minefield. Should you give Pearl and Jude privacy while they’re shagging, or is more of a voyeuristic orgy vibe? Is it bad manners to request a participant? What if Sienna Miller was just popping round to borrow a book? Waving your willy around could be a serious faux pas.
Sadie Frost might discuss films
Sadie Frost was gorgeous and could be stared at for hours. Her films were the opposite. Given her attractiveness, it’s likely nobody every told her. Would being subjected to a scene-by-scene breakdown of Rancid Aluminium be worth it for hours of passion? Sorry, Sadie, but no.
You’d need a hot partner
The Primrose Hill set were all stunning, so you’d need a partner of equal value to swap like with marbles. If your date wasn’t in the same bracket as Kate Moss or Jonny Lee Miller everyone would be waiting for you to leave. This is why Rhys Ifans never featured in the scandal.
You always felt Supergrass were a novelty band
‘Shall we put on some Supergrass first?’ a semi-nude Davina Taylor would ask. ‘Nah,’ you’d say, her erotic perfection driving you to reckless honesty, ‘they’re basically the Britpop Monkees.’ But she tells Noel Gallagher who tells Meg Matthews who tells Kate Moss who tells Pearl Lowe and suddenly four-ways are very awkward.
You might be starstruck
Sadie was in Dracula, directed by Coppola. Jude was in AI, directed by Spielberg. They’re proper A-list. That’s an intimidating level of stardom so temporary erectile dysfunction is understandable. It would have been even worse if neighbour and pal Gwyneth Paltrow had dropped by with Chris Martin. His very aura shrinks genitalia.
Asking for autographs is gauche
You’d want a souvenir. A signed photo of Jude and Sadie would be perfect. Not Danny and Pearl so much, but you wouldn’t want to be rude. What a conversation starter, putting that on the mantelpiece, explaining ‘yes, a little memento of our poly years’. Pisses on guests’ boring anecdotes about their holiday in Vietnam. But when would be the right time to ask?
Liam Gallagher could pop round
You can guarantee a visit from coked-up Heathen Chemistry era Liam would mean a tirade of faux-hard bollocks like ‘I’m gunna twat that Alex James when I see the f**ker’, with Patsy Kensit’s middle-class prudishness also pouring cold water on proceedings. After a while, it would be easier just to have sex with your own wife.
