THE prime minister has asked the public if they really believe that he, a 62-year-old man who has spent his life in the legal profession, is a keen Swiftie. 

Starmer pointed out that three-and-a-half hours of the Eras Tour was not and has never been his idea of an enjoyable evening and he would have much preferred to closely read policy documents before getting an early night.

He said: “I am a man of conviction. I am not a pathetic millennial man pretending mediocre country songwriting is ‘genius’ to impress Tinder dates.

“Do you seriously believe humming tunelessly along to songs I was entirely unfamiliar with while calculating how long it would take to get from Wembley to Downing Street was anything other than a dreary political duty?

“These tickets were not a gift. They were a karmic punishment. I admit I harboured hopes that a blue-light police escort might impart the virtues of alacrity to Ms Swift, but instead she added an extra medley to her acoustic set.

“When you’re in my position, watching Taylor Swift is like going to the Cenotaph Remembrance service. I’m not particularly excited to be there, but the tabloids will give me shit if I skip it.

“Now, if I’d been treated to VIP tickets to Kidderminster’s Museum of Carpet I would understand why the corruption alarm bells were ringing.”