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Money to host 2034 World Cup

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

Multiple bulging sacks of used bank notes have triumphed over token competition from Australia to be crowned by FIFA as the hosts of the upcoming 2034 World Cup.

FIFA President Gianni Infantino said: “We always suspected money would be in with a good chance of winning, but nothing in this world is ever certain. I’m sure everyone will share my relief it’s come out on top though.

“There were moments where money’s bid was in doubt. Like when we surveyed the vast fortune on offer and decided to ask for more by rubbing our thumb and forefingers together.

“That’s when money dug deep and stumped up a few extra tens of millions. It’s that sort of determined, corrupt attitude that separates winners from losers.

“Where did all that money come from? Who’s to say? You wouldn’t ask a magician to reveal the secrets behind their impressive tricks, and the same approach applies here. If nothing else it’s just a bit rude.

“Of course, behind every eye-watering stack of cash there’s a nation that turns a blind eye to human rights, equality, and its responsibility to the environment. So some of your applause should also go to Saudi Arabia. Credit where credit’s due.”

When I have finished the whole of Britain will be the North, promises Rayner

ANGELA Rayner has vowed to turn the whole of Britain into a soot-clouded hellscape of cotton mills, terraced houses and grimy cobbled streets.

The deputy prime minister, aflame with envy of how the Southern half live, has promised to turn every bucolic area in the country into a smoke-choked industrial sinkhole of short, brutal lives and flattened vowels to eliminate class envy.

She said: “There are nice places in Britain. How does that make my constituents in Ashton-under-Lyne feel?

“Bitter, envious and ashamed. That’s why I’m promising to build a housing estate on every green space, a factory on every village mere, and a prison on every cricket pitch. To level the country down.

“For decades, the south of England has voted Conservative because they have been able to maintain the illusion of being a rustic paradise. No more. If you haven’t got a chemical works spewing toxic effluent into your village pond, you’re not truly British.

“When the sun is blotted out by smoke, when the sky is so low as to graze your children’s heads, when not a flower grows on the playing fields of Eton, this whole country will be equal and the North-South divide eliminated. Is that not utopia?”

Shadow home secretary Chris Philp said: “Well, we do sort of hate Britain. And if it was all the North that would be easier.”

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