KATE Moss is single and 50, and therefore the perfect match for divorced guys of a similar age. If you’ve carried a torch for Ms Moss since the 1990s, here’s how to finally woo her.
Try to be incredibly posh
Kate has just split with Nikolai von Bismarck, the great-great-grandson of Otto von Bismarck, responsible for the reunification of Germany in 1871, and it was probably a love of 19th century geopolitics that attracted Kate in the first place. Get on Ancestry.co.uk pronto and find out if you’re posh – even just being the 15th cousin of Princess Eugenie is better than nowt.
Reassure your kids Kate Moss isn’t trying to be their mum
Children of divorced parents often react badly to new partners, so it’s best to have this talk. However, unlike with non-ex-supermodel new partners, teenage daughters are likely to be won over with a few clothes shopping trips, and teenage boys aren’t going to complain either, although that’s probably not something you want to think about too much.
Own a yacht
Kate loves hanging out on Philip Green’s superyacht, so you’ll need to recreate the experience on a smaller budget. She’ll cause quite a stir reclining elegantly on the deck of your river cruiser on the Norfolk Broads, but you might want to tell her to wear a jumper over her bikini to avoid hypothermia.
Switch to a supermodel diet
‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,’ Kate famously said, so make some changes to your own diet, such as replacing an Asda deep-pan pizza and oven chips with, say, a glass of water. Constant gnawing, painful hunger will feel strange at first, but once you discover you can get into those old Levis you’ll be sold. There’s no need to take it too far – you can put some cordial in your water on special occasions.
Reform your crap teenage band
Kate married Jamie Hince of The Kills and dated Pete Doherty. Therefore you need to reform your teenage band to impress her, and four tubby middle-aged blokes endlessly playing the riff from Smoke on the Water surely will. If you have no musical skills, do a ‘learn to play the guitar in 30 days’ course. The super-simple chords of Achy Breaky Heart have the advantage over a Babyshambles gig of being something you can play in your living room without needing to go to a shit pub in Camden full of utter wankers.
Interest Kate in homebrewing
Kate has a reputation for being a ‘party girl’, and the next best thing to the buzz of high-quality cocaine is a large plastic pressure barrel of murky homebrew bitter in your airing cupboard. Seriously, that stuff can be pretty strong. Admittedly the last batch gave you the shits, but that’s not really a negative in the fashion world.
Get her a North Face jacket to match yours
Kate has spent her life modelling for the most talented and adventurous designers in the world, so middle-aged bloke fashion will be completely new to her. Get her a North Face jacket the same colour as yours, and with her figure she’ll look great in some shapeless high-polyester-content Amazon Essentials sweatpants. And if she should put on a few stones due to you plying her with pub lunches and ready meals, she’ll swear by her M&S XXL stretch jeans.
