ARE you playing dungeon master for busy working mums who just want to escape from it all and shag a centaur? Include these key points:
Repurposed fairytale characters
Mothers sick of reading Red Riding Hood or Rapunzel to their kids often pass the bored-shitless hours by imagining themselves as that character, with bigger boobs, riding Prince Charming until it’s his turn to be comatose for a century. Let them create a character who’s essentially Snow White in stockings and heels, it’s what they want.
Elf-on-elf action
Elves are too haughty, too ethereal, too pointy of ear to dally with ordinary humans. But their towering self-love can be directed at another elf, and tired women cannot imagine anything better than sex they don’t have to actively partake in. Get a couple of elves to make out in an enchanted glade while they watch.
Dwarf humiliation
Dwarves – bearded, always in the shed making stuff, inexplicably angry – are surrogate husbands in the fantasy realm and everything women want to get away from. Your role is to play into this. Any dwarf characters should be unable to read maps, lose fights when the axes they’re so proud of break and be forced to go into battle wearing naught but leather chaps.
Unicorn stuff
A gleaming, iridescent white unicorn, glimpsed through branches? Promising an equine climax both erotic and unattainable? Make chasing a unicorn the focus of your campaign without ever letting your players reach it. This is called edging.
Sex dungeons
The traditional dungeon makes no sense. Why would caves underground be well-stocked with roaming orcs, provisions and treasure? You don’t get that at Wookey Hole. Instead, fill your dungeon with bondage racks, dominatricies, strutting warlocks and sultry lamia. Roll 17 or above to orgasm, unless you have a +5 Strap-On of Stimulation.
Fairy orgies
Finally, stage a huge fairy orgy ruled over by Titania and Oberon with thousands of the little buggers going at it everywhere you look. Flitting through the air legs akimbo, pursued by hunky male fairies with otherworldly priapism. Try to make it sound less like that day when all the ants f**k by using adjectives.
