Sport

ENGLAND fans are deciding which barely-capped players to assign to positions they have never played in before to win the next game six-nil.

A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.

ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is.

ENGLAND has decided that if it is going to blame someone it might as well blame the best player in its team, Jude Bellingham.

THE Tartan Army have confirmed that now Scotland have been knocked out of the Euros they will be backing England all the way.

THE England team, favourite to win the tournament, are in fact crap. Which one player is entirely responsible and should be sent home?

AN innocent young England fan who has only known Gareth Southgate as manager is puzzled as to why the team is rubbish all of a sudden.