STEPHEN Fry? F**k off. These are the real national treasures of Britain, according to builder Wayne Hayes and the lads down the Portakabin.

Lee Evans

Very funny man. We argue it out over spliff breaks, whether he’s been surpassed by your Peter Kay or your Michael McIntyre, but for me Evans takes it because he can do the physical comedy as well. All these alternative leftie ones on the telly can go and f**k themselves. Why would I want politics bringing up when I’m trying to have a laugh?

Keeley Hazell

We lost something as a country when we allowed Page 3 to go, and Keeley was the last of the greats. Pretty smile, huge jugs, footballers scrapping over her, absolutely classic. I’d say she still comes up, unbidden, two out of five wanks. She’s in Hollywood now, and good luck to her. Not that they ever cast a girl with tits because to them that’s sexist.

King Charles

Proper lad. He’s stepped up and he’s done the job, proving the doubters wrong. Gone to Australia even though he’s got the Big C because he puts duty first. Don’t know what all your snooty university types have got against him. Jealousy I expect.

Richard Osman

You know why he gave up that Pointless? He’d answered all the questions. They couldn’t think of any he hadn’t answered, so he walked. Now that’s a clever man. Writes books now. I haven’t read any but they’re about murders like books should be.

Lee Child

He’s a way to go to beat this lad though. Open a Jack Reacher and you’re hooked from page one through to the end. Chapters are nice and short and you always find out hard factual information about the banking system or how suicide bombers think. He’s getting his brother to write them now. Makes sense, that’s how we do it in the trade.

Susanna Reid

Nothing but respect. Presenting next to that prick Morgan all those years and keeping her temper, dealing with the parade of arseholes she has on with her now, and properly putting Boris under the hammer after he’d had all those parties. And she queued up for the Queen.

Tyson Fury

If you can’t be proud of the fact a British man is the hardest puncher in the world, I pity you. You’ve lost sight of what a real achievement is. Got beat this year but it happens, nobody’s at the top of their game forever. When I’m in a spot, I ask myself ‘What would Tyson do?’ Got me community service for GBH, but still. No regrets.