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Five obvious ways to avoid spoilers: A guide for easily startled morons

WANT to avoid crucial plot details but don’t have an ounce of common sense? Dodge spoilers with this painfully obvious guide.

Don’t read reviews

Reviews have the annoying habit of discussing their subject matter, even going so far as to rudely dissect plot points and character decisions. If you’re particularly sensitive to this bombshell information then reviews can prove life-threatening, even when they try to protect your delicate constitution by claiming to be ‘spoiler free’. Try reading something utterly devoid of facts instead, like a horoscope.

Stay off social media

As soon as one person with an X account and a smartphone has seen a hotly-anticipated piece of media, the element of surprise is ruined forever. Every closely-guarded detail will be shared in a flurry of breathlessly excited statuses, each with meticulously crafted hashtags to get them in front of as many interested people as possible. Delete the app, with the bonus of watching your whole wellbeing instantly improve.

Avoid starting conversations about the film/TV show in question

Curiously, when you discuss a film or TV show you’re interested in with a friend, they have a bizarre tendency to chip in with their own thoughts if they’ve already watched it. Even if you’ve clearly stated that you haven’t seen it they may make oblique references to plot twists or reveal the general gist, in a deliberate attempt to ruin the film and your life. Fortunately this can be easily avoided by talking about literally anything else.

Stop googling everything

It’s natural to be interested in the latest Hollywood film or overpromoted BBC drama. You’re only human and marketing teams have desperately poured lots of money into grabbing your attention. This doesn’t mean you should conduct extensive internet research in order to find out if their work is worth watching. You sadly have to go through the chore of watching it and then deciding for yourself.

Watch it as soon as possible

Films and TV shows are absolutely jam-packed with spoilers, ie. the story. Everything from the inciting incident to how the A plot dovetails into the B plot is methodically shown to the viewer. Fortunately, this information is in its natural habitat, so it does not make for a ruinous experience. You may even enjoy how the action plays out in front of your eyeballs, unless it’s an M. Night Shyamalan project. And don’t whinge on about prematurely discovering the ending of a film that came out in 1998.

Do you look a twat for selling your second home last month?

OWNERS of second homes who hastily sold them in the belief that Rachel Reeves was planning to tax them have been left looking like total knobheads. 

The self-pitying wealthy, who sold off their holiday properties convinced it would save them tens of thousands, are bloody furious with the chancellor for ignoring their canny financial move and leaving capital gains tax on the sale of second homes untouched.

Denys Finch Hatton, who now has to book a hotel when he goes to Abersoch like a f**king tourist, said: “I’ve spent the last month boasting about how clever I was. Bollocks.

“Does Reeves not consider that when she decides her vindictive policies some of us are not just reading articles about how to avoid Labour’s tax grab in the Telegraph but actually acting on them?

“My employees ask what I’m doing at the weekend with barely disguised glee. My ‘Beside the Seaside’ group chat is openly exultant. I can’t even invest my money in shares because the evil cow’s taxing those.

“Bring back the Conservatives. Now there’s a party who’d take the country to the precipice of ruin rather than see those of us on six-figure incomes facing embarrassment.”

Reeves said: “Gotcha, suckers.”

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