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Tuchel accepts his career as a successful football manager is over

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance. 

Tuchel was yesterday appointed England manager which he plans will serve as a four-year period of personal and professional stagnation before embracing the full possibilities that failure has to offer.

He said: “There’s no shame in it. Why rage against the dying of the light, like Mourinho, when you can signal to everyone it’s over for you by managing England?

“My collapse won’t be abject. We’ll qualify for tournaments, but the days of finals and semi-finals are gone. A quarter-final will be a fluke. Honestly a nil-nil against Denmark will leave me feeling fulfilled.

“Yes I won the Champions League once, but that was a different man. I’m coming to you from losing the league with Bayern Munich for God’s sake, something no-one has managed since 2012. My trajectory is very clear. Be nice to see Harry again, incidentally.

“After this? A Premier League relegation candidate, who I won’t save. Then a Saudi side, then America. Who ever got given a decent job after managing England?”

He added: “I had no choice but to take it. Manchester United were closing in.”

Boy comes of age by realising his dad is a bit of a tosser

A 16-YEAR-OLD boy has become a man on finally coming to the understanding that his father, who he once looked up to, is something of a prick.

Oliver O’Connor has entered the estate of manhood on realising his dad’s career advice is bollocks, his music taste painfully mainstream, and his insights into Chelsea’s playing style regurgitated from the Daily Express. 

O’Connor said: “When I was a kid, Dad was this distant yet all-knowing, all-powerful god. I yearned for his love and approval and waited for hours for his attention to turn away from Carol Kirkwood doing the weather.

“I could scarcely believe I’d one day be as tall and magnificent as him and know about things like ‘spark plugs’ and ‘bleeding radiators’, both of which sounded violent and exciting.

“Then last week he came in while my mates were here, pretending to knock his head on the doorway, doing lame gags about Charli XCX sounding like a name for a fighter jet, and the scales fell from my eyes. 

“It was like watching the Terminator turn into Matt Hancock. Suddenly everything – the ‘Prick With A Fork’ barbecue apron, his insistence that Jason Statham should win an Oscar, his wank trainers – is further proof of what a knobhead he is. What happened?” 

Father Simon O’Connor said: “It had to happen. Now I can stop being a role model and slump in a chair necking cans.” 

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