THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?
10: Brendan Rodgers
David Brent-esque former Liverpool and Leicester manager, always attempting to get one over on you with amateur psychology. After six drinks will suggest going for colonic irrigation together.
9: Roy Hodgson
Worldly, avuncular, intelligent but also old. Will complain bitterly about how low your sofa is, call your stairs ‘a bloody deathtrap’ and, a year into your marriage, break his hip and move in. You’re living with Roy now. He hates to miss Tipping Point.
8: Sean Dyche
Raspy-voiced alpha male who will belittle you for not knowing where your stopcock is. Will take you to the pub to make peace, when you’ve no idea what you’ve done to offend him, and proceed to drink nine pints without blinking or showing signs of intoxication.
7: Rafa Benitez
A gastronome and chef for who no meal is ever good enough. Roasts a whole suckling pig to welcome you to the family and you cannot even manage a simple paella when he visits? Unacceptable. Disparages you openly while your wife agrees.
6: Harry Redknapp
A true self-made man who dragged himself up by his bootstraps who cannot believe you’ve settled for earning five figures in a steady insurance job. Forever shaking his head at your lack of ambition. It’s far, far worse when your brother-in-law Jamie is round.
5: Jurgen Klopp
Mr Charisma, charming waitresses, has your own mother swooning. Your children prefer German Granddad to you. Comes downstairs announcing that he’s fixed the radiators you’ve been promising to mend for months. Makes you look a useless prick.
4: Arsene Wenger
Bookish, bespectacled, Gallic and capable of finding fault in your every action. You drive that car? You wear that suit? You are unfamiliar with the work of Derrida? Are you aware that all of the choices you have made are erroneous? Please, come outside for a bleep test.
3: Claudio Ranieri
Kitted out in a beautiful, knitted cardie, in his rocking chair with a homemade cannoli in hand, ‘The Tinkerman’ will kill you with kindness. A wonderful, charming grandpa who never loses his temper. He doesn’t have to try to be better than you. It’s effortless.
2: Sir Alex Ferguson
Ranieri’s opposite in every way. Mean-spirited, bitter, controlling, strong scent of single malt, resolutely refuses to FaceTime David Beckham for the kids’ birthday. Gives you the hairdryer treatment for bringing an inferior Rioja round. Always leaves 15 minutes after he promised.
1: Jose Mourinho
The Special One. Unknowable, impossible to read, basically an enigma. But never, every happy. The intensity he brings to carving a roast takes years off your life. Makes you reverse park outside his house upwards of 40 times. His mind-games keep you up into the early hours. Like every club since 2013, you soon conclude nothing is worth this.
