Politics

AS well as clocking off at 6pm on Fridays, Keir Starmer has announced he will take hourly fag breaks in the garden of Downing Street.

NOW he is no longer the MP for Stoke-on-Trent North, former teacher and monkey Jonathan Gullis has confirmed he will return to his zoological career.

THE big beasts of the Conservative party have been driven out and replaced with a big twat with four whole seats, it has emerged.

JACOB Rees-Mogg has confessed that, without a seat in Parliament, he is just some kind of Edwardian cosplay dickhead.

THE new prime minister has announced the end of toolmaking time and the beginning of a new era of liberal elitism.

THE UK is keeping its fingers crossed that it does not go blank in the voting booth and deliver a massive Conservative landslide out of habit.

A MAN is putting a cross next to the candidate he is commanded to by the 5G nanobots in his brainstem and bloodstream.

AN ADORABLE pup waiting for his owners to cast their democratic votes would be making his X for the far-right if he could.