NOW he is no longer the MP for Stoke-on-Trent North, former teacher and monkey Jonathan Gullis has confirmed he will return to his zoological career.

Already entertaining offers from leading UK zoos, Gullis intends to continue educating the public in primate behaviour such as scratching intimate areas and urinating on himself.

He said: “After being deputy Conservative chairman, I can’t say I’ll be sorry to get back to the old tyre on a rope and handling my own faeces with a look of bemused wonderment.

“Parliament’s brought a new braying edge to my grunting and screeching, GB News is for subhumans not by them, and I could return to teaching but honestly I’d prefer the zoo. Any teacher would. 

“By picking fleas from an alpha’s fur I can make more of a positive contribution to society. Nobody in Stoke would do it for me. They’re so la-di-f**king-dah up there.”