WATCHING a parade of Tory big names losing their seat has been a sensual and visceral pleasure. But which one really moved the earth for you?
Grant Shapps, 3.09am
Shapps has been various ministers and various people and left a trail of blight in a haze of stupidity. His rodent-like face has been around for so long that you were glad to see him go, but it was merely filed in the wank bank.
Penny Mordaunt, 4.08am
Now we’re bloody talking. This magnificent sword-hefting lake-diving valkyrie stripped of a majority? Hello, engorgement. Still, will she be hot outside Parliament or was it only compared to her unprepossessing colleagues? Does losing subtract from her allure? She’ll be on Strictly by autumn anyway.
Thérèse Coffey, 4.23am
Truss’s mate, which is enough to get you going, with somewhat retrograde views on the gay community that make it a physical pleasure to see her out. Losing Suffolk Coastal has you excited, then you remember her bellowing along to I’ve Had The Time Of My Life and the blood down there withdraws in horror.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, 4.58am
He’ll always be the entitle streak of giraffe urine who reclined in the Commons because he couldn’t be arsed with a debate, so the sight of the spoilt boy losing the only thing he ever wanted has you properly edging. The sheer schadenfreude of him trying his little hardest not to call out for Nanny, oh you’re so nearly there.
Liz Truss, 6.48am
This is why you waited. The bobblehead cretin, the mortgage-inflater, losing her ultra-safe Norfolk seat? Everyone waiting for her on stage as she struggled to make it make sense? Banished to the Phantom Zone like General Zod? An explosion of orgasmic delight. And all before breakfast.
Steve Baker, 7.37am
Lying there aglow, results barely registering, and there he is. The self-style Spartan, the ‘hard man of Brexit’ kicked out of Wycombe. He says he’s going to be ‘skydiving, motorcycling, fast catamaran sailing’ but he isn’t. He’s going to be spending long, lonely, miserable days doing what you’ve just been doing. That’s hot.
