Politics

MORE than 50% all young Tories have had their policies stolen off them by a pair of gruff Scotsmen, research by the Howard League for Penal Reform suggests.

WEARING purple and brown together, especially with sideburns, is to be outlawed from next April, the government announced last night.

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown hit back at his critics yesterday insisting floods, terrorism, terrorism, foot and mouth, floods.

THE last person to be seen on television making a speech has established an enormous lead in the opinion polls, according to the latest surveys.

THE Prime Minster Gordon Brown has peed in his pants, Downing Street announced last night.

IN a prodigious display of intellectual acrobatics, the likes of which is rarely seen outside the Orient, the Great Camerooni will memorise and recite the King James Bible from Genesis to Revelation.

GORDON Brown has flown into Baghdad to enlist the terrified Iraqi population in his bid for re-election.

THE Conservative Party is to unveil a new tax strategy based on asking voters exactly how much it's going to take.

HOLLYWOOD superstar Kevin Bacon is to lead a dance rebellion against Gordon Brown after the Prime Minister called for a ban on rock'n'roll.

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.