Politics

THE Labour Party was embroiled in controversy last night after another four of its politicians did absolutely nothing wrong. 

GORDON Brown is today hosting a high-level summit to discuss radical new measures aimed at helping him keep his job.

HOUSE of Commons Speaker Michael Martin made a statement on the arrest of Tory MP Damien Green yesterday, but no-one is entirely sure what he said.

RISHI Sunak is facing a possible challenge to his leadership from a particularly virulent case of anal warts.

THE Treasury is to relax its rules on borrowing after seeing a television advert featuring Carol Vorderman.

THE prime minister has shoved a large pair of socks into his underpants ahead of today's state visit by French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

THE secretary of state for transport has been crucified at the side of the M6 by an angry mob driven insane by the deliberate closure of the road and rail network over the Easter weekend.

ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End,  we give you THE BUDGET!

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling is today expected to throw a budget lifeline to Britain's hard-pressed headless horsemen.

THE Office of the Rail Regulator is to use the record £14m fine imposed on Network Rail to buy a gigantic motor yacht.