Politics

MICHAEL Martin, the Chief Shit, was clinging to office last night amid a growing revolt by all the other stinking turds.

MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.

THE audience from BBC1's Question Time was marching on London last night, parading the severed head of housing minister Margaret Beckett on a pike, like some kind of ghoulish mascot.

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

THE war of political apologies escalated last night as prime minister Gordon Brown pledged all his clothes to a charity shop and began wandering about in the buff.

THE Tories last night proved they have still got it after it was revealed that a senior MP claimed more than £2000 for drawbridge wax and moat freshener.

THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night.

GORDON Brown was prime minister in name only last night as the machinery of state was transferred to New Avengers actress Joanna Lumley.

GORDON Brown is hoping to regain the political initiative today by confirming that Britain's schools are so much worse than they used to be.

AS Gordon Brown fights for his political life the Daily Mash brings you a guide to the key players in the tumultuous battle for the heart and soul of the Labour party. No, we don't really give a shit either.