Politics

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

A GREY, single-breasted Marks and Spencer suit with four-button cuffs and flat-fronted trousers is almost as popular as Sir Winston Churchill, it emerged last night.

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.

TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives have announced.

GORDON Brown has taken another small step towards finally realising what's wrong with him, it emerged last night.

THE Tories will today present their vision of a Britain made-up of self-reliant people with greater control of their own lives who don't like all them Afghans coming over here and stinking up the place.

LABOUR unveiled its manifesto today with a bold pledge to do something really complicated and confusing with the education system.

NHS managers who help the Tories kill cancer patients will get £50 a corpse and a full set of gourmet saucepans.

GORDON Brown will once again focus Labour's election campaign on national insurance after being deafened by the collapse of his own argument.